October 1 - Six Months In

Today marks Tyler & Ethan's six month birthday and the official start to Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month...and my first real post to this blog. I had a list of topics in mind that I wanted to discuss, but today I just feel like talking about where I'm at six months into this "new normal".

Six months ago I was obviously devastated. I knew I needed to heal, but I couldn't imagine a day when I wouldn't be sad, let alone a time when the good days would outnumber the bad days. I remember when I first talked to a friend from our bereaved parents group via email shortly after the boys died and she told me I'd find my new normal. I was really scared of that phrase at the time. I didn't want a new normal; I wanted my old normal. But slowly I began to see what she meant. The tears came less frequently. The self-blame subsided. Normal began to return, but she was right - it was a different sort of normal. Normal in the sense that life kept moving on the same way it used to, but new in the sense that not a day goes by that I don't fondly remember my beautiful twins and smile when I think about what they must be doing in Heaven right now. New normal is just fine.

I feel like I've grown as a person because of Tyler & Ethan; I'm a better mom to Addison and hopefully a better friend and family member too. The first lesson I want to share with you is to never ever take things for granted: your health, your family's health, and all the people in your life. When your kids are driving you crazy, be thankful that they're able to. I used to get upset at Addison for acting like a wild woman (ok, sometimes I still do!) but I know now to cherish every minute she's climbing the walls and talking non-stop.  She won't be this little forever, and I'm darn lucky that I have her. So go hug your children. If you don't have children, call your mom & dad. And cherish every day.

PS - we got a sign from Tyler & Ethan this morning. Addison and I went out to the living room when she got up and the TV turned itself on. Brad thinks Addison did it, but she says she didn't (I had my back turned and she was over by the toy box).

Happy 6 Month Birthday, Boys. Keep sending us signs. Love you always.