I read an article that was shared by some friends on Facebook, and it made me realize that I need to clarify something. I keep telling you all that I'm fine, but I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I'm not cured, healed, over it, etc. I'm not all better. I will never be all better, even though I'm doing well. That's the thing a lot of people don't understand about babyloss: there is no getting over it. While we adjust and learn to live with our losses, we never stop hurting completely. We will always hold a hurt in our hearts, until the day we meet our children again in Heaven.
So my advice to you today is to not get frustrated with bereaved parents who seem to still be in a funk sometimes, even if it's been years since their baby(ies) passed away. Even though we've all lost someone close to us as some point in our lives, the loss of a child is profoundly different. When you lose a grandparent, parent or good friend, you lose a part of yourself and it is devastating, especially when that individual has gone before their time. It is sad and you grieve, sometimes for years. All close family/friend losses, regardless of whether it was your child or not, are equally devastating. But when you lose a child, you lose part of your future too. From the moment a parent finds out they are expecting, they begin to build hopes and dreams for that child and for their family's future. Everything you think about regarding summer vacations, camping trips, next Christmas, etc. involves your unborn child. And when that child dies, all those dreams die with them. Your reality is changed, so you must build new dreams. And that seems impossible sometimes. You can't imagine a reality without your child(ren) in it. But reality has hit, and you get to a point when you know you have to go on and keep dreaming. It's what that child(ren) would want you to do.
To my fellow bereaved: Keep dreaming of tomorrow.
To everyone else: Be patient with us.
Hugs to you all,
Jen
Jennifer,
ReplyDeleteI can tell that as time goes on the hurt is not so intense. Christopher would be 34 years old. He is our first son and back then it was a subject that everyone avoided and there were no support groups. I was a mess and even friends were uncomfortable with the subject and family would not mention it because they did not want to upset me. His birthdays were hard, I remember watching children that would be his age,experiencing milestones; learning to walk, first day of school, riding a bike etc. I remember the day when he would have graduated from high school was a sad thought, but not upsetting. I learned from his passing and feel I was determined to be a better person from this experience. (which I think you are already doing by posting your thoughts and feelings) I do not take anything for granted and thank God everyday for the wonderful life I have. We did lose another baby the following year, but then God blessed us with Nicole, Josh and Stephanie. My children are everything to me and now I have four beautiful grandchildren and I could not be happier.
Thank you!