Monday, April 1, 2013

Happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven

Today is a bittersweet day. Two years ago, we said hello and good-bye to Tyler and Ethan. We were shocked, horrified and guilt-stricken about what had happened to our beautiful baby boys. I didn't know if we would ever find hope or the kind of happiness we had once known ever again. But now, two years later on this day, I am happy. I am hopeful. And we are getting ready to celebrate the arrival of our rainbow baby, Lexie. Our family has been blessed with the things that we never thought possible two years ago. And we owe it all to our angels...

To celebrate their birthday, I want to brag about my boys a bit. I want to take some time today to explain how I've finally found peace with Tyler & Ethan's death, becaue they're the ones who have given it to me. When we lost the boys, I spent a lot of time looking for answers. What had I done wrong? I also spent a lot of time asking them to forgive me; forgive me for not saving them, forgive me for taking them for granted while I was pregnant, forgive me for God not finding me worthy enough to keep them. This went on for a long time and it broke my heart even further, if that was even possible.

But over time, I began to feel differently. I attended the Bereaved Parents of Madison support group. I started this blog. I got involved with the March of Dimes and Mikayla's Grace. And I would receive the most amazing signs from the boys, letting me know that they were always right there with me. It would be something simple like two bunnies in their memory garden mischeviously eating the flowers, or during a balloon release how their balloons would always float two by two. I began to realize that they didn't resent me or hold me accountable for their death; why would they send me such love if they did? I also realized how much I've learned and grown since the boys left me. I've made changes in my life, in the way I parent Addison, in the things I stress about/don't stress about, that I would have never made if Tyler & Ethan had never graced us with their brief presence. I started to believe that it wasn't anyone's fault; it was Tyler & Ethan's destiny to be put on this earth with us for only a short while, before being given angel wings. And now, even though I can't see them or hear them, I can still feel them. I know they walk beside us every day and will continue to be a reminder about taking care of what's really important in life: family, friends and making a difference.

So today, as a birthday tribute, I am going to reiterate a promise to them. Tyler & Ethan, I promise you that you will live on in me. I will make a difference in your name, and I will see to it that you leave a leagacy. I will continue to learn from your death; to value what's really important and to not get bent out of shape over things that won't matter ten years down the road anyway. I will live for today, remember yesterday and be hopeful for tomorrow. And I will always love you.

I read a quote once that people are put in our lives for a reason. Some stay a long time, and others are gone far too quickly, but each and every one of them has a lesson to teach us and a gift to give (even when the experience with that person is negative, you can still learn something!). I think this applies to Tyler & Ethan completely. They were given to us for a reason, and even though our time together was short, that was all the time they needed to teach us a lifetime of lessons. Angels are amazing that way.

Thanks for reading,