I Know Why You Avoid Me

And I understand. I was once on the other side of the fence. Walking along relatively carefree in life, I avoided painful or awkward situations. I hated going to wakes and funerals. I wanted to avoid seeing other people suffer. It wasn't because I didn't care; it was because I didn't know how to deal with it.

A friend shared a newspaper article with me a couple of months ago that talked about why it is our human instinct to shy away from these difficult situations. As bereaved parents, we are the victims of a "primary trauma." We witnessed the tragedy first-hand. The grief and the pain have hit us hard, and you can see it in our eyes. Everyone else in our life has been the victim of "secondary trauma." You are the ones who did not see this tragedy unfold first-hand, but you know we are suffering and you imagine what we are going through. The article talked about how it is our human nature to avoid pain. We want to protect ourselves from being exposed to this "secondary trauma." We want to protect ourselves from hurting too. We think if we avoid it and don't think about it, that we will not hurt.

I get that. But I want to explain to you that it's not so bad. If you read my last post, I quoted our funeral director who told us "imagination is worse than the reality." You think that you just can't get past the awkwardness of talking to me about my children, so you shy away when I bring them up. Or maybe you even avoid me completely. You don't need to. Most of my good friends have said to me that once we have that initial ice-breaker conversation, the awkwardness subsides and things are pretty normal again. Yes, I will mention my children's names. But no, I will not dwell on their deaths. I want to focus on what they've taught me and how I will honor their memories. And I want to spread awareness of infant and pregnancy loss so that every bereaved parent can have the support they need in a tragedy like this.

So give it a chance. Mention my child's name or at least don't look shocked when I mention it. Their names are music to my ears. I hope we can remember them together and grow as human beings in their name.

In honor of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, and all babies gone too soon.
Thanks for reading!
Jen