Celebrating

There are days when I feel like I don't have much to celebrate this time of year. We had a tremendous part of our lives taken away from us, and that still hurts, especially at this time of year when the focus is on family more than ever. We are supposed to be celebrating two little boys' first Christmas with toys, Santa visits and lots of pictures. Instead, I'm picking out the wreath I'll take to the cemetery. It really sucks.

But there are other days when I know that life is good. Even though we are missing Tyler & Ethan, we still have so much to celebrate. So to help remind myself how much I have to be thankful for, I made a list of reasons to celebrate this holiday:

- Addison. She is my oldest and my sunshine baby...she brings me joy every day, especially when she tells me I'm her best friend. Even if I had no one else, I would still be the luckiest person alive just by being her mom.

- Brad. He holds me together when I'm falling apart. He deals with my craziness. And he does laundry. I wouldn't be who I am today without him.

- My Family. I have been so lucky to have their support. They have gone out of their way to help me through this tragedy. I'm always free to talk about the boys, they respect my wishes when I need some time to myself or have a bad day, and they're here for us in ways that I had never stopped to imagine.

- My Friends. Another jackpot. My friends from "back home", my work friends and my neighborhood friends are like family to me. The outpouring of support from everyone has been tremendous.  I really don't know what I'd do without you all.

- Tyler & Ethan. Even though they aren't here, they still existed and I am thankful for that every day. Their lives will shape who I am and who I continue to evolve into. I can never thank them enough for that.

- God. Yes, He and I have had a strained relationship as of late. At first, I turned to Him and kept my faith strong. But going to church got so hard. I couldn't make it through Mass without crying, which really confused Addison. So I stopped going. Surprisingly, I was never mad at him. But I did feel hurt, let down and abandoned. I know I shouldn't feel that way, and I'm going to get back into going to church again. I hope to be celebrating Him again soon.

So here's to the holidays, and to finding things to celebrate. And remember that each of us needs to celebrate in our own way, be it by keeping busy, keeping quiet or just trying to keep it all together.

Here Come the Holidays

It all starts with Halloween. Costumes, parties and more candy than we know what to do with. Then in an instant, we're faced with Thanksgiving, then Christmas. We shop, we cook and we celebrate. Or at least that's the idea...

I couldn't figure out why I've been in sort of a funk lately, then today, after our area's first snowfall, it dawned on me. The holidays are approaching and it's got me down. I thought about the boys' first Halloween last week of course. I would have dressed them as a cow and a monkey because those are the infant Halloween costumes that I have. I think Tyler would have been the monkey and Ethan would have been the cow. Not sure why, that's just how I picture it in my mind. It was sad to think about that. But today, as the snow fell and I looked around at all that perfect whiteness on my way home, it really hit me. I remembered that it snowed the day Tyler & Ethan were born. To the best of my recollection, it hasn't snowed since, until today. It was a weird realization that time is moving so fast; it's already snowing again. And today would have been their first real snowfall. Next comes their first Thanksgiving, and then the dreaded first Christmas. Bummer.

I knew the holidays were going to be hard, but I don't think I realized how hard. I've already been busy gathering ideas to help us include the boys in our holidays, to try and make this a little easier. I want to make a donation to our local Toys for Tots of items that I would have bought for them on their first Christmas. We did our family picture for our Christmas cards at Disney and included Tyler & Ethan's stuffed puppies to represent them. But even with the best laid plans and trying really hard to celebrate their lives more than I mourn their deaths, I just can't help but feel a little down. It feels like they're missing out on so much, and so are we.

So this year, I may have to do things a little differently. Instead of being immersed in the holidays, we might just lay low. I'll of course make it a great Christmas for Addison, but I'm going to try really hard to make sure we get our own family time too and not run ourselves ragged trying to make it everywhere we're expected to be. I'm also a little afraid that I just won't feel much like celebrating, althought I know I need to be normal for Addison's sake. I guess we'll see what happens. All we can do is to do our best.

Thanks for reading,
Jen