The Million Dollar Question

When Tyler & Ethan were about to be born, we were given our options. Regular delivery and only "comfort care" for them afterwards or emergeny c-section with long-shot NICU attempts to save them; the latter option they told me meant that I would always have to have c-sections with any subsequent pregnancies. I looked right at that doctor and sobbed "That doesn't matter. I'm not doing this again anyway."

With Tyler & Ethan, our family was supposed to be complete. We always said we wanted 2 or 3 kids, and their birth would have given us three. Then we were supposed to be a big happy family. But as I've said before, life doesn't always work out the way we plan it.

Now that I'm not in the haze of being newly bereaved, I can stop and think this through. When I stated that I wasn't "doing this again", I was so consumed with grief that I hadn't yet stopped to think about the little lives we had created. Even though they weren't ours to keep here on earth, they were still ours none the less. And we loved them. Their existance was worth every moment of heartbreak and every tear we cried. They have touched so many people and taught us all so much. I will never, ever, not even for a moment, regret that they existed. And that is what I need to hold onto going forward.

I told you previously that we had an appointment with the perinatologists over the summer where they examined our case and didn't find any reason or wrongdoing associated with the boys' premature birth. What I didn't tell you was that we also discussed trying again. They told us that we should wait 6-12 months to be safe, but that it looked very hopeful, given that we had Addison without any problems. They are still going to take me on as a patient, should the time come, and they would offer me hormone shots to help protect the pregnancy. They said the only thing that would scare them is if I were pregnant with twins again, in which case they would offer us selective reduction. Wow. That's a lot to think about and a lot to stress about. I'm not sure I'm ready for the worry, especially the prospect of twins again. I haven't told many people this, but my first miscarriage was suspected to possibly have been twins as well.

So we weighed our options and decided that if we don't try again, we'll always regret it. And if we do try again and we end up losing another child to Heaven, we know we'll be heartbroken but we'll never regret it. We don't know if God will bless us with another child or not, or whether or not He'll let us keep him/her. But we know we have to try at some point and let whatever happens happen. We just don't know when. And that is the answer to the million dollar question, even if it's not very concrete.

A few couples from our support group have lost a second child; two of them very recently. My heart breaks for these parents. No one deserves to lose a child, and especially not two or more. You'd think that the odds would be on your side, but it seems like the odds mean nothing in these situations. A friend from this group wrote a blog post recently about holding onto hope, even when faced with situations such as these. She's absolutely right, and I pray that these parents and all our bereaved friends find their hope again. And I pray that I find it too.

Thanks for reading!
Jen