The Blame Game

So who's to blame for Tyler & Ethan's deaths? Me? My doctor? God? Depends on your perspective, but the answer I'm trying to steer myself toward is No One.

It is so hard NOT to blame yourself when your child dies. You feel like you've failed. You're their parent, after all - you're supposed to protect them. But sometimes, despite your very best efforts, things just don't work out that way. You find yourself analyzing every decision you've made. Was I gaining enough weight? Was I over-doing it, not resting enough? Was I too stressed out at work? Did God decide I needed to learn a lesson, and this was the only way to teach me? I cannot begin to tell you the number of times I sat down and tried to find an answer. I just wanted some way to justify what had happend. I thought if I could figure out why we lost our boys, that I could do something different to prevent it from happening again (if we are blessed with an "again"). But the truth is, there is no reason that I will ever understand while I'm here on Earth. There is no one to blame, not even myself (and the high risk docs said so!). So what I try to tell myself every time my brain starts to play the Blame Game is that there is no reason to be found and no one is at fault.

Now with that in mind, I also know that there are some people who may blame me for my childrens' deaths. I know they stand back and assume that I wasn't taking care of myself or that we made the wrong decision in not trying to resuscitate the boys. I can't say as I blame them, because there are obviously days when I blame myself too. We had a consult with the high risk doctors in July, and they analyzed our case. They said there was nothing done wrong. This was just one of those "freak things" that sometimes happens with twins, and they commended us for making a very "adult decision" in letting the boys pass peacefully without medical intervention. I had a list of questions for them, trying to rule out every possible cause for their preterm birth...allergy shots, the Benadryl I take with my allergy shots, stress at work, and half a dozen other things. They ruled everything out. They said the only thing I did wrong was double-ovulate and even that wasn't my fault. I want to get something out on the table, mostly so that I believe it myself rather than to try and convince anyone else: this is no one's fault, not even mine. I am a good Mom. Brad is a good Dad. End of story.

Thanks for reading!

Hugs to All,
Jen