Here Come the Holidays

It all starts with Halloween. Costumes, parties and more candy than we know what to do with. Then in an instant, we're faced with Thanksgiving, then Christmas. We shop, we cook and we celebrate. Or at least that's the idea...

I couldn't figure out why I've been in sort of a funk lately, then today, after our area's first snowfall, it dawned on me. The holidays are approaching and it's got me down. I thought about the boys' first Halloween last week of course. I would have dressed them as a cow and a monkey because those are the infant Halloween costumes that I have. I think Tyler would have been the monkey and Ethan would have been the cow. Not sure why, that's just how I picture it in my mind. It was sad to think about that. But today, as the snow fell and I looked around at all that perfect whiteness on my way home, it really hit me. I remembered that it snowed the day Tyler & Ethan were born. To the best of my recollection, it hasn't snowed since, until today. It was a weird realization that time is moving so fast; it's already snowing again. And today would have been their first real snowfall. Next comes their first Thanksgiving, and then the dreaded first Christmas. Bummer.

I knew the holidays were going to be hard, but I don't think I realized how hard. I've already been busy gathering ideas to help us include the boys in our holidays, to try and make this a little easier. I want to make a donation to our local Toys for Tots of items that I would have bought for them on their first Christmas. We did our family picture for our Christmas cards at Disney and included Tyler & Ethan's stuffed puppies to represent them. But even with the best laid plans and trying really hard to celebrate their lives more than I mourn their deaths, I just can't help but feel a little down. It feels like they're missing out on so much, and so are we.

So this year, I may have to do things a little differently. Instead of being immersed in the holidays, we might just lay low. I'll of course make it a great Christmas for Addison, but I'm going to try really hard to make sure we get our own family time too and not run ourselves ragged trying to make it everywhere we're expected to be. I'm also a little afraid that I just won't feel much like celebrating, althought I know I need to be normal for Addison's sake. I guess we'll see what happens. All we can do is to do our best.

Thanks for reading,
Jen