Celebrating

There are days when I feel like I don't have much to celebrate this time of year. We had a tremendous part of our lives taken away from us, and that still hurts, especially at this time of year when the focus is on family more than ever. We are supposed to be celebrating two little boys' first Christmas with toys, Santa visits and lots of pictures. Instead, I'm picking out the wreath I'll take to the cemetery. It really sucks.

But there are other days when I know that life is good. Even though we are missing Tyler & Ethan, we still have so much to celebrate. So to help remind myself how much I have to be thankful for, I made a list of reasons to celebrate this holiday:

- Addison. She is my oldest and my sunshine baby...she brings me joy every day, especially when she tells me I'm her best friend. Even if I had no one else, I would still be the luckiest person alive just by being her mom.

- Brad. He holds me together when I'm falling apart. He deals with my craziness. And he does laundry. I wouldn't be who I am today without him.

- My Family. I have been so lucky to have their support. They have gone out of their way to help me through this tragedy. I'm always free to talk about the boys, they respect my wishes when I need some time to myself or have a bad day, and they're here for us in ways that I had never stopped to imagine.

- My Friends. Another jackpot. My friends from "back home", my work friends and my neighborhood friends are like family to me. The outpouring of support from everyone has been tremendous.  I really don't know what I'd do without you all.

- Tyler & Ethan. Even though they aren't here, they still existed and I am thankful for that every day. Their lives will shape who I am and who I continue to evolve into. I can never thank them enough for that.

- God. Yes, He and I have had a strained relationship as of late. At first, I turned to Him and kept my faith strong. But going to church got so hard. I couldn't make it through Mass without crying, which really confused Addison. So I stopped going. Surprisingly, I was never mad at him. But I did feel hurt, let down and abandoned. I know I shouldn't feel that way, and I'm going to get back into going to church again. I hope to be celebrating Him again soon.

So here's to the holidays, and to finding things to celebrate. And remember that each of us needs to celebrate in our own way, be it by keeping busy, keeping quiet or just trying to keep it all together.