Time for Me to Fly

If you know me well, you know I'm terrified of airplanes. I've avoided flying at all costs my entire life (thank you to my bosses over the years for understanding!). But this week, I'm boarding my very first airplane for a trip to Vegas. My husband booked the tickets as a surprise with 7 of our good friends, and so I am committed. But I am terrified.

If you're not afraid of flying, you're probably saying "what's the big deal?" Well, it's time to step into the head of a crazy person because I'm going to rationalize it for you. For me, I think it's a trust issue. How can I trust the pilot, a total stranger, to take me tens of thousands of feet in the air and land me safely across the country? How can I trust all the people checking the plane over to not miss a fatal flaw? I can't, even though most rational people have no problem with this. Next some people will say "God has a plan; when your time's up, your time's up, no matter where you are." But the problem is, it's not dying itself that has me so terrified anymore. I have two beautiful little boys waiting for me in Heaven, and that has changed my outlook on death significantly over the last year. However, I have one beautiful little girl here on earth who needs me, and I can't bear the thought of her having to go through life without her parents. It brings tears to my eyes just to type the words. I know grief all too well, and I don't want her to experience any more grief than she has to.

When I say this, I also feel guilty though. I feel like I'm favoring Addison over Tyler & Ethan because I want to stay with her more than I'm willing to be with the boys. It sounds terrible, but I just feel like she needs me more. This life is hard; she has so much to learn. And I truly believe that the "better place" Tyler & Ethan are in contains nothing I need to protect them from or teach them.

But back to this trip...I'm committed. There's no backing out. I have to learn to trust; trust the airline system, trust our family to take care of Addison, and trust God to make it all work out in the end. I pray that everything goes as smoothly as people keep telling me it will, but I still feel like in order to come to grips with getting on that plane, I need to be ok with the possibility that I could leave this world permanently. Morbid, I know, but that's where I'm at with this fear. To get myself into that state of mind, I've turned to God. I'm going to trust Him to make everything right, whether that means I make it back safely or not. I will trust Him to take care of Addison, Tyler & Ethan always. And I will trust Him to give me the courage I need to do this.

With that being said, it's time for me to fly. Pray for me. Seriously. :-)

Jen