Big Girl Pants

So first and foremost, I will admit that I am a total bonehead. Flying was totally fine and I lived to tell about it. I totally over-reacted. Did I like flying? Absolutely not. Would I do it again? Yes, but only with the proper medication/intoxication. : )

Anyway...big girl pants. There is a saying I was introduced to several years ago by a friend & former co-worker (miss you, Jenn R - it's been too long!). She used to tell me to "put your big girl pants on and deal with it." This became a favorite joke between several of us at work, and we even bought matching t-shirts that sported the phrase. Those of you who go to my exercise class have probably seen mine! She would use this phrase whenever something came up that I thought I was too young, inexperienced or not strong enough to handle on my own. Truth of the matter is, it wasn't that I couldn't handle it; it was that I thought I couldn't. I didn't have confidence in myself or my abilities. When I stepped up to the plate and "put my big girl pants on", I generally dealt with whatever it was and came out fine. I just needed a little push and the strength to believe in myself. Whenever I put that shirt on, I remember that I'm only as strong and as confident as I push myself to be.

I still can't believe the events of my life the past two years. I've done so many things that I would have said ten years ago "I can't do it", "I couldn't survive it" or "I would lay down and die first." But I put my big girl pants on and dealt with it. And lived to tell about it.

Tonight I registered Addison for 4K. She was so excited to meet her teacher and play with the other kids while I filled out some forms. There was a spot on one form to list "other siblings" and another that asked "Is there anything else I should know about your child?" I stared at that page for a long time, wondering if I should tell the teacher about Tyler & Ethan, since Addison talks about them a lot. A year ago, I would have left them blank, too afraid to talk about the brothers I never brought home to her and too afraid of the questions that would undoubtedly follow. But today, I put those BGP's on again, and wrote "none living*" in the "other sibilings" blank, and the following asterisked comment in the "anything else we should know?" blank:
"We lost our twin sons in April 2011 due to pregnancy complications. Addison talks about her brothers, Tyler and Ethan, often and we encourage her to be open about this."

This was a big step for me today. I've been fighting this fear of sharing Tyler & Ethan's existance with people I don't know well, and today, I felt like I finally made progress. I feel like I can handle the questions, educate people further, and continue to break the silence around infant loss. Tyler & Ethan are not my "dead babies" that no one should talk about. They are my sons and my angels, and I will not pretend they didn't exist, even if I don't know you well. Go, BGP's, Go!!!

Thanks for reading!
Jen "Feelin' Sassy" Walker
:-)