"Smile, Open Your Eyes, Love and Go On"

It's funny how the little things, the ordinary things in life, creep up on you and knock the wind out of you sometimes. Addison and I were playing at the park today. I was pushing her on the swing when she said "Mommy, want me to push you?" And I said sure. So she proceeds to push me and twist my swing up so that I spin around. When I squeal she says "Mommy, it's ok. Don't be scared." And I think to myself what a great big sister she would be. Then my turn on the swing is done. I get off and notice the two baby swings next to the "big kid swings" we were playing on. They've always been there. Nothing new. Addison used to swing in them herself up until recently. But today I looked at those swings and realized that on this beautiful, abnormally warm March day, I should be here pushing three kids in swings, two of whom should be in those empty baby swings. I wanted to cry but didn't. I didn't dwell on it; I can't lose it at the park. I jumped right back into reality and chased her around and played Stinky Sock Monster (yeah, we're weird like that).

But now that she's in bed, I go back to that thought. It makes me so sad, especially this week knowing that one year ago was when it all fell apart. I want to scream and yell and throw my hands up sometimes because it's so unfair. It's unfair to us, and especially to my boys who will never get to experience all the things that their sister does. They are the ones I feel the saddest for. I know they're in a better place, but it's hard to accept that there is a better place than with their family. Someday I'll understand, but it won't be while I'm on this earth. I know I need to accept that.

So I go back to my mantra...try to celebrate their lives more than you mourn their loss. And I think about what they've taught us, once again. Today I thought about what Tyler & Ethan have taught Addison about life & death. She still struggles a little with the concept. She's been talking about death and dying a lot more lately, probably because we're talking about Tyler & Ethan in general a little more with their birthday and the pizza fundraiser coming up. She was still under the impression that all babies die. She even said to me one day that she had died when she was a baby. Talk about almost losing it. I had to very calmly explain to her again that no, not all babies die and that she had never died because she was still here. But she's her mother's daugher and likes to argue her point. So Saturday she hears me mention my uncle Gary who passed away years ago, before I was born. She asks me who Gary is and I tell her. She has a revelation at this point and says "So it's not just babies that die?!" And I say Yes! It seems to make sense to her now, but who knows...we'll take it one question at a time and try to help her understand this whole death thing. Just when you think you've explained it all, she'll always throw you a curve ball. Overall though, she has a very healthy outlook on death and realizes that even though it's a sad part of life, our lost loved ones are always with us. I think having this outlook will help her as she grows up.

So I'll leave you today with a great poem that my friend Melissa from Mikayla's Grace shared. I love this poem to pieces:

“You can shed tears that they are gone,
or you can smile because they lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that they'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all they've left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see them,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember only that they are gone,
or you can cherish their memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what they'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

As we get ready to celebrate Tyler & Ethan's first birthday (and golden birthday), I will keep these words close to my heart in the hopes that there can be as many smiles as there are tears on April 1.

Thanks for reading!
Jen