A year ago this week, I was enjoying the last week of my blissfully ignorant life. I had just found out a week or two before that the twins were two boys. We had their names picked out. I even bought two little outfits for them. I was worried about what seems like trivial things now; mixing them up and discovering in 18 years that Ethan was Tyler and Tyler was actually Ethan, and how on earth I was going to feed two babies at once. I lived in a world where nothing monumentally bad would ever happen to you if you were a good person. Sure, you'd have your struggles. I had had two miscarriages previously, so I knew life wasn't a bowl of cherries. But I got through them and I felt like these two boys were my "bonus" for the struggles I had with childrearing.
And then the world came crashing down. March 18, 2011 was the worst day of my life. I went in for a routine cervical check and was told that my babies were probably going to be born soon and that they would probably die. Immediately I knew that instead of planning a summer baptism, I would be planning a spring funeral. But I'm a good person! God wouldn't let me lose them! Sure, I miss church sometimes and I've committed my share of sins, but I don't deserve to lose my children, right? I tried to be hopeful and to get whatever medical help I could to save them. But when God's will was carried out, I didn't get the answer I had hoped for. I felt like I had been totally ripped off, but that I must have deserved it. Maybe God saw that I was too selfish to care for these beautiful boys and that's why he took them from me; maybe he did this so that I could learn a lesson. If only I had been a better person, He wouldn't have had to take them from me! At least that's what I felt at the time...
Fast forward to today. Sometimes I hear the quote "losing a child is a life sentence." I hate that quote. Even though it's not intended to, that phrase makes me feel like the loss of your child is a punishment for something you did wrong. That is the furthest thing from the truth. I am not to blame. I am still a good person. And all of the amazing women and men I've met in this journey through bereavement are good people too. They have taught me that bad things happen to good people, even the best of people. And that has been a key to helping me get through this.
Perhaps the biggest lesson I've learned in the last year from Tyler & Ethan is just that; bad things are going to happen. Monumentally bad things sometimes. And you have to learn from them, pick yourself up when you're ready, and spread the gift of your lessons learned. The alternative is to lay down and let the sadness permanently kill your spirit. My kids would not want me to live like that. They would want me to get up, dust myself off and go on, even if it means I go on with a broken heart. Life isn't going to be fair. It's not going to be perfect or the way you imagine it. But it is going to be worth it. (borrowed from a quote I saw online recently!)
I think the best way to honor Tyler & Ethan's memory is to live in a way that would make them proud. That's why I blog; to tell their story and raise awareness of what it's like to be a bereaved family. That's also why I participate in the March of Dimes March for Babies. Last year we raised over $3,000 in Tyler & Ethan's names and this year, our goal is $5,000. I want to make sure more families get to bring their babies home, and I do it in memory of my boys, who never got to come home. And here comes the plug...we are having a Pizza & Salad Buffet Fundraiser at Lucky's in Barneveld on Saturday, March 31 from 4pm-8pm. This is the night before Tyler & Ethan's birthday and it is also Brad's birthday. Think of it as a little birthday party for my three guys! 15% of all proceeds go to our March for Babies team. For more info, check out our Facebook page:
www.facebook.com/thewalkerboys
Do I miss the life I had a year ago? Definitely. Would I go back and change anything? Oddly enough, no; there was nothing I could have done. So even though ignorance was bliss, the lessons I've learned this past year will make me a better mom, wife, daughter, sister, and friend (no, Brad - being a better wife does not involve me doing the dishes more often). And I will thank my boys every day for that.
Thanks for reading!
Jen
I feel much the same way about those days when I was able to be blissful during my pregnancy, and also about how things turned out. Obviously, I'd do anything to have Mikayla and Chase here with me, but you do the best you can to appreciate your circumstances and these tiny little people have probably taught us more than most adults will in their lifetimes, right? I'll be thinking of you a lot these next few weeks and of Tyler and Ethan!
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