Back to School Blues

I'm really one of the lucky ones, if there is such a thing. The chaos of getting my 8 year old ready for school and fall activities is almost enough to make me forget how much additional chaos this family is missing. Almost...
Tomorrow is the first day of school. I'll make my sidewalk chalk art declaring it's my oldest's first day of 3rd grade and I'll take pictures as she boards the big bus. I'm looking forward to her smiles and first day excitement. But a part of me will feel crushed. Crushed because I should have helped pack 3 backpacks tonight. I should have sidewalk chalk art taking up an even bigger portion of our driveway tomorrow morning. I should be sending Tyler & Ethan to Kindergarten tomorrow. I can only imagine what we're missing - I would panic that I would run out of sidewalk chalk before I fully spelled out "kindergarten" plus A's "3rd grade" lettering. I would worry a little about them getting off the bus and to their classroom, since it would be their first day at the "big school." I would tell A ten times to make sure she walks them to their classroom and makes sure they get on the right bus to go to daycare after school. She would roll her eyes, and I would know that despite the sarcasm, she worried about them as much as I did. She's a mother hen that way.
But tomorrow morning, it will be just my oldest boarding that bus. And our rainbow looking on at her big sister of course, asking when it will be her turn. Too soon, Ladybug...too soon. I will smile with tears in my eyes and wave to her as the bus drives off, and then we'll all get on with our day. The moment will be short. The anticipation of it always bigger than the moment itself. The worst of the hurt only lasting for a short while now. Until the next milestone...
I pray that Tyler & Ethan will watch over their classmates this school year and always. Running beside them, laughing at their jokes, sharing in their excitement. Most of those kids don't know that there should be two dishwater blonde twin boys in their circle of friends this year, but even though they don't know Tyler & Ethan, I hope they feel them. Feel their spirit, feel their love, and feel their protection. Just like I do.

~Jen