So Much to Say

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I posted last. Life is crazy. Beautiful, but crazy.

I'll start where I left off last time. April Fool's. I had asked everyone to celebrate Tyler & Ethan's birthday by having a little fun and playing an April Fool's prank. I even encouraged T & E to prank me if they could. Well, they did. I always take off work on April 1. I stay home and work on their scrapbook and visit the cemetery by myself before we go as a family later. So when I returned to work the next day, I was surprised to see two random carabiner clips hanging in my cubicle. Weird, right? I don't use carabiners and I don't think we even sell them where I work! I traced it back to our cubicle-neighborhood prankster...who I am friends with but not Facebook friends with and I'm pretty positive he has never read my blog. I have to imagine that a couple little angels were using him as a vehicle for their prank on mom. I'm sure he has no idea how his simple act brought tears to my eyes and made me so happy, but maybe I'll tell him someday.

Fast forward to September. The first day of school this year was so hard. I drew Addison her "First Day of Second Grace" sidewalk chalk art for her annual picture, and of course Lexie had to get in on the photo opp too. It was such a hard thing to do this year though because I should have been drawing "First Day of 4K" for Tyler & Ethan too. I should have been taking their picture getting on the little 4K bus with their friends at daycare. I should have had tears that my babies were going off to school. And instead, I had tears that they were not. I work from home sometimes and sit at the kitchen table where I can see out the window while I work. It hurts my heart every time the little 4K bus drives past picking up and dropping off what would have been Tyler & Ethan's classmates. Every single time, it still hurts.

And now fast forward to March. We're knee-deep in planning this year's March of Dimes Fundraiser, which is scheduled for April 2. I always do it around Tyler & Ethan's birthday because it fills the void of not being able to plan a birthday party for them. This fundraiser IS their birthday party. And it's always amazing. I was getting my pizza order together last night, going through spreadsheets from prior years, and stopped to look at the folder I was in. I have a folder on my laptop called "Tyler&Ethan". It was created April 2, 2011, the day after they died. For the first year, it only housed things like the readings our uncles did at the funeral, the poem I wrote for their funeral leaftlet, their photos from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, and other sad reminders of their passing. Today, that folder is blooming with happiness. We are preparing for our 5th March of Dimes Fundraiser, and all the planning documents live in my Tyler&Ethan folder. Flyers, newspaper ads, donation lists, thank you note lists. This event has transformed a very sad place into one filled with hope and strength. Looking in that folder shows me how far we've come. We've come out of the ashes of a tragedy and turned it into a legacy for the boys that walk beside us in spirit. And for that, I am proud. I am thankful. I am blessed.

One more thing before I go. I KNOW in the very depts. of my soul that Tyler & Ethan are with me. Right beside me sometimes even. I received a donation from our silent auction from Megan at Bridge Creek Cottage (find her on Etsy - her wreaths are great). The kids had Pandora on, and when I opened up the box from Megan, "my song" for the boys came on. A Thousand Years by Christina Perri. I had so many silent tears - thankful tears, happy tears, sad tears and tears of joy knowing that it was the boys' way of saying they see what we do. They see what we ALL do and they are proud of us.

Here's my song. I know it's weird that this is from Twilight, but the words speak to me. I imagine myself reuniting with Tyler & Ethan in Heaven and saying to them "I have died every day waiting for you...I have loved you for a thousand years; I'll love you for a thousand more."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtOvBOTyX00

Thank you for reading and following Tyler & Ethan's legacy. I invite you all to attend our March of Dimes Fundraiser April 2 in Barneveld! See facebook.com/thewalkerboys for details!!

Much love,
Jen