Wow...hey there, old friends. I haven't felt moved to write in a long time, but guess what? I'm back!
First let me address my recent experiment with Sober October. If you're like most of my friends, you're thinking, "WTH is that" and "why on earth would you do that?!". Great questions. Back in September I had a thought on my heart...do I drink too much? I didn't think I had a problem, but was I setting a bad example for my kids? Was I drinking as a way to make myself feel less socially awkward at events? Was I drinking as a way to deal with stress? I was pretty sure the answer to all of those questions was Yes.
Towards the end of September, I had two separate family members tell me that they were concerned about my and/or my husband's drinking. Holy crap. So now the paranoia in my head has been validated by others. At first, I panicked. Am I an alcoholic? Am I a bad parent?
Then I was listening to the Rise podcast by Rachel Hollis one day. She said "if you can do something for 30 days, you can do anything. Like you could try Sober October. Just do something for 30 days to prove to yourself that you can." Light bulb!!!
So that was it. I decided that I was going to be alcohol-free for the entire month of October. Why? Because I needed to prove to myself that I wasn't dependent on alcohol. I needed to be reminded that I'm not "more fun when I'm drinking" and that I don't need it to take the edge off of life.
And so it began. My husband thought I was nuts. A lot of my friends thought I was nuts. But there were quite a few that appreciated my need for a re-set (thank you for that!).
Admittedly, I fell off the wagon for 1 night. 20 year class reunion. Not that I'm making excuses, but you only have one of those in your lifetime - so celebrate it!
I wanted to fall off the wagon so many more times though. Parties where I was the only adult not drinking. The day I found out that my best friend's mom has just months to live. The day I found out that a friend from our Bereaved Parents group had passed away of lung cancer...just days after I had missed an opportunity to go visit her and tell her how much I loved her. After long days at work spent making 0 progress on tough problems. So. Hard.
But here we are on November 2 and I did it! I feel great. I'm so glad I resisted most of the temptation and proved to myself that I can do it. Bonus - I lost 4 pounds and wore a pair of jeans that haven't seen the light of day in a couple years!!! I feel empowered to do more for myself and my health and to continue to keep it light on the alcohol consumption. Will I throw back a few with my friends at parties and such? Yes. Will I drink because I'm stressed or sad or uncomfortable - I hope the answer to that one is a long-term No.
So onto other musings...I wanted to say a word about worry. Don't worry. Just do it. Regarding my friend who passed from lung cancer...I sent her a message one morning when I was in Madison asking if she was up for visitors that day. I hadn't heard back from her by the time I was ready to go back home, so I didn't stop by. I was worried that maybe she wasn't feeling up to it and didn't want to bother her. A couple hours after I got home, she messaged me back saying she had just read my message...we texted back and forth and I promised to ping her the next time I was in town. 4 days later, she died. I will never forgive myself for letting my worry keep me from visiting my friend one final time. Don't ever be so caught up in the "what-if's" that you miss opportunities to show your love and appreciation for someone. You don't know if tomorrow is ever promised.
To Jenah - I don't know if you knew how much you impacted my life. I'm sorry that I didn't get to tell you. You were the first person to show me that it was possible to laugh again after losing Tyler & Ethan. You showed me that it's ok for sadness and joy to co-exist. You shared a love of all things Disney with me. You invited me to twin loss and rainbow mama events and made me feel welcome when I was terrified. You were my "plastic princess" Tupperware dealer...no way was I letting you keep referring to your beautiful self as the "plastic pimp." You were wildly hilarious even when you were sad or sick. I will always remember you with a crown, a smile and your tongue sticking out. Watch over us, snuggle my angels and godspeed my friend.
XO,
Jen
