If you had told me a year ago that there would again come a time when the happiness outweighs the sadness and the smiles outnumber the tears, I'm not sure I would have believed you. Even though meeting my boys one year ago today brought me such happiness, it was bittersweet and brief, because we said goodbye much too soon. It's been a long year filled with many emotions, but last night, I had a revelation.
I seriously think I know two dozen or more pregnant women right now. I'm incredibly happy for each and every one of them, but jealous at the same time. When I think about pregnancy and people having babies, I can't help but feel sorry for my family and wonder why we were robbed of Tyler & Ethan's love. So many things were taken from us; we'll never hear them coo, they will never give us a hug, and there will never be that first time they say I love you that completely melts your heart (at least not here on this earth). But last night, surrounded by so many wonderful people at our March for Babies pizza fundraiser, I realized that I haven't been robbed of these things. I've just had to learn to accept love in a different form; angel love.
Instead of the physical ways a baby on earth shows their love, we receive our angel babies' love in a different way. We see it in the signs they send us like a breezy day at the cemetery when our tears need drying. We hear it when the wind chimes blow at just the right time on a day that seems to have no wind to blow them. And we feel it in the kindness shown to us by friends, family and sometimes total strangers, just like we did last night. I was overwhelmed by the number of people that donated to and came to our pizza fundraiser last night. It was absolutely amazing to see people so willing to help a good cause and to remember our babies. I know Tyler & Ethan were smiling down on us last night and sending us their love through all of our friends and family. Thank you to all involved for your help and support!
Tyler & Ethan even sent us some angel birthday love today. We released six balloons in the backyard after lunch today. The strings were all tangled together from the wind and from being in the car. But soon after they took off, the strings separated, the balloons paired off, and they floated off to Heaven two by two. Just like the boys did. The two big mylar balloons (a sports balloon and a Spongebob balloon) hung around in the field behind our house for a bit as if they were telling us that they didn't really want to leave. They slowly made their way off though and we watched them until we couldn't see them anymore.
Happy 1st Birthday, Tyler & Ethan. I'm still adjusting to the long distance relationship we're going to have, but if you keep sending me those signs and your angel love, I know I'll get used to it. We will love you forever and miss you always. Someday we will all meet again. Until then, let's work on angel hugs, huh? There are still days when I could really use one. Love you both.
Thanks for reading!
Jen
