A Year's Worth of Angel Love

If you had told me a year ago that there would again come a time when the happiness outweighs the sadness and the smiles outnumber the tears, I'm not sure I would have believed you. Even though meeting my boys one year ago today brought me such happiness, it was bittersweet and brief, because we said goodbye much too soon. It's been a long year filled with many emotions, but last night, I had a revelation.

I seriously think I know two dozen or more pregnant women right now. I'm incredibly happy for each and every one of them, but jealous at the same time. When I think about pregnancy and people having babies, I can't help but feel sorry for my family and wonder why we were robbed of Tyler & Ethan's love. So many things were taken from us; we'll never hear them coo, they will never give us a hug, and there will never be that first time they say I love you that completely melts your heart (at least not here on this earth). But last night, surrounded by so many wonderful people at our March for Babies pizza fundraiser, I realized that I haven't been robbed of these things. I've just had to learn to accept love in a different form; angel love.

Instead of the physical ways a baby on earth shows their love, we receive our angel babies' love in a different way. We see it in the signs they send us like a breezy day at the cemetery when our tears need drying. We hear it when the wind chimes blow at just the right time on a day that seems to have no wind to blow them. And we feel it in the kindness shown to us by friends, family and sometimes total strangers, just like we did last night. I was overwhelmed by the number of people that donated to and came to our pizza fundraiser last night. It was absolutely amazing to see people so willing to help a good cause and to remember our babies. I know Tyler & Ethan were smiling down on us last night and sending us their love through all of our friends and family. Thank you to all involved for your help and support!

Tyler & Ethan even sent us some angel birthday love today. We released six balloons in the backyard after lunch today. The strings were all tangled together from the wind and from being in the car. But soon after they took off, the strings separated, the balloons paired off, and they floated off to Heaven two by two. Just like the boys did. The two big mylar balloons (a sports balloon and a Spongebob balloon) hung around in the field behind our house for a bit as if they were telling us that they didn't really want to leave. They slowly made their way off though and we watched them until we couldn't see them anymore.

Happy 1st Birthday, Tyler & Ethan. I'm still adjusting to the long distance relationship we're going to have, but if you keep sending me those signs and your angel love, I know I'll get used to it. We will love you forever and miss you always. Someday we will all meet again. Until then, let's work on angel hugs, huh? There are still days when I could really use one. Love you both.

Thanks for reading!
Jen

"Smile, Open Your Eyes, Love and Go On"

It's funny how the little things, the ordinary things in life, creep up on you and knock the wind out of you sometimes. Addison and I were playing at the park today. I was pushing her on the swing when she said "Mommy, want me to push you?" And I said sure. So she proceeds to push me and twist my swing up so that I spin around. When I squeal she says "Mommy, it's ok. Don't be scared." And I think to myself what a great big sister she would be. Then my turn on the swing is done. I get off and notice the two baby swings next to the "big kid swings" we were playing on. They've always been there. Nothing new. Addison used to swing in them herself up until recently. But today I looked at those swings and realized that on this beautiful, abnormally warm March day, I should be here pushing three kids in swings, two of whom should be in those empty baby swings. I wanted to cry but didn't. I didn't dwell on it; I can't lose it at the park. I jumped right back into reality and chased her around and played Stinky Sock Monster (yeah, we're weird like that).

But now that she's in bed, I go back to that thought. It makes me so sad, especially this week knowing that one year ago was when it all fell apart. I want to scream and yell and throw my hands up sometimes because it's so unfair. It's unfair to us, and especially to my boys who will never get to experience all the things that their sister does. They are the ones I feel the saddest for. I know they're in a better place, but it's hard to accept that there is a better place than with their family. Someday I'll understand, but it won't be while I'm on this earth. I know I need to accept that.

So I go back to my mantra...try to celebrate their lives more than you mourn their loss. And I think about what they've taught us, once again. Today I thought about what Tyler & Ethan have taught Addison about life & death. She still struggles a little with the concept. She's been talking about death and dying a lot more lately, probably because we're talking about Tyler & Ethan in general a little more with their birthday and the pizza fundraiser coming up. She was still under the impression that all babies die. She even said to me one day that she had died when she was a baby. Talk about almost losing it. I had to very calmly explain to her again that no, not all babies die and that she had never died because she was still here. But she's her mother's daugher and likes to argue her point. So Saturday she hears me mention my uncle Gary who passed away years ago, before I was born. She asks me who Gary is and I tell her. She has a revelation at this point and says "So it's not just babies that die?!" And I say Yes! It seems to make sense to her now, but who knows...we'll take it one question at a time and try to help her understand this whole death thing. Just when you think you've explained it all, she'll always throw you a curve ball. Overall though, she has a very healthy outlook on death and realizes that even though it's a sad part of life, our lost loved ones are always with us. I think having this outlook will help her as she grows up.

So I'll leave you today with a great poem that my friend Melissa from Mikayla's Grace shared. I love this poem to pieces:

“You can shed tears that they are gone,
or you can smile because they lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that they'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all they've left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see them,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember only that they are gone,
or you can cherish their memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what they'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

As we get ready to celebrate Tyler & Ethan's first birthday (and golden birthday), I will keep these words close to my heart in the hopes that there can be as many smiles as there are tears on April 1.

Thanks for reading!
Jen

Ignorance is Bliss

A year ago this week, I was enjoying the last week of my blissfully ignorant life. I had just found out a week or two before that the twins were two boys. We had their names picked out. I even bought two little outfits for them. I was worried about what seems like trivial things now; mixing them up and discovering in 18 years that Ethan was Tyler and  Tyler was actually Ethan, and how on earth I was going to feed two babies at once. I lived in a world where nothing monumentally bad would ever happen to you if you were a good person. Sure, you'd have your struggles. I had had two miscarriages previously, so I knew life wasn't a bowl of cherries. But I got through them and I felt like these two boys were my "bonus" for the struggles I had with childrearing.

And then the world came crashing down. March 18, 2011 was the worst day of my life. I went in for a routine cervical check and was told that my babies were probably going to be born soon and that they would probably die. Immediately I knew that instead of planning a summer baptism, I would be planning a spring funeral. But I'm a good person! God wouldn't let me lose them! Sure, I miss church sometimes and I've committed my share of sins, but I don't deserve to lose my children, right? I tried to be hopeful and to get whatever medical help I could to save them. But when God's will was carried out, I didn't get the answer I had hoped for. I felt like I had been totally ripped off, but that I must have deserved it. Maybe God saw that I was too selfish to care for these beautiful boys and that's why he took them from me; maybe he did this so that I could learn a lesson. If only I had been a better person, He wouldn't have had to take them from me! At least that's what I felt at the time...

Fast forward to today. Sometimes I hear the quote "losing a child is a life sentence." I hate that quote. Even though it's not intended to, that phrase makes me feel like the loss of your child is a punishment for something you did wrong. That is the furthest thing from the truth. I am not to blame. I am still a good person. And all of the amazing women and men I've met in this journey through bereavement are good people too. They have taught me that bad things happen to good people, even the best of people. And that has been a key to helping me get through this.

Perhaps the biggest lesson I've learned in the last year from Tyler & Ethan is just that; bad things are going to happen. Monumentally bad things sometimes. And you have to learn from them, pick yourself up when you're ready, and spread the gift of your lessons learned. The alternative is to lay down and let the sadness permanently kill your spirit. My kids would not want me to live like that. They would want me to get up, dust myself off and go on, even if it means I go on with a broken heart. Life isn't going to be fair. It's not going to be perfect or the way you imagine it. But it is going to be worth it. (borrowed from a quote I saw online recently!)

I think the best way to honor Tyler & Ethan's memory is to live in a way that would make them proud. That's why I blog; to tell their story and raise awareness of what it's like to be a bereaved family. That's also why I participate in the March of Dimes March for Babies. Last year we raised over $3,000 in Tyler & Ethan's names and this year, our goal is $5,000. I want to make sure more families get to bring their babies home, and I do it in memory of my boys, who never got to come home. And here comes the plug...we are having a Pizza & Salad Buffet Fundraiser at Lucky's in Barneveld on Saturday, March 31 from 4pm-8pm. This is the night before Tyler & Ethan's birthday and it is also Brad's birthday. Think of it as a little birthday party for my three guys! 15% of all proceeds go to our March for Babies team. For more info, check out our Facebook page:
www.facebook.com/thewalkerboys

Do I miss the life I had a year ago? Definitely. Would I go back and change anything? Oddly enough, no; there was nothing I could have done. So even though ignorance was bliss, the lessons I've learned this past year will make me a better mom, wife, daughter, sister, and friend (no, Brad - being a better wife does not involve me doing the dishes more often). And I will thank my boys every day for that.

Thanks for reading!
Jen

It's all Relative...Siblings, that is

Today we celebrated my little brother's 27th birthday. He's my only sibling, so we're pretty close. I remember growing up how we'd fight like cats and dogs and refuse to apologize to each other when our parents broke it up, but how we always had each other's backs through it all. I still joke that he's more protective of me than my husband is! He was the first person I thought of when I needed a godfather for my firstborn and the first person I thought of when I needed a pallbearer for my 2nd & 3rd. He's been my protector and one of the most important people in my life for the last 27 years.

Sadly, I realized this weekend that my kids will never have the same relationship that my brother and I have shared. I feel like Addison already misses out on so much because she's our only child at home. She'll never have the chance to get hurt doing something stupid and to look up at one of her brothers and utter "get mom"...then look on thankfully to see him running full speed to get her help (i.e., riding a calf and of course falling off or perhaps trying to pry hamburger patties apart with a paring knife and ending up stabbing yourself in the meat of your thumb...yes, sadly that was me, and my brother always ran to get me help!).  Tyler & Ethan won't have a chance to struggle with Shakespeare and have their sister try to help them study by reciting a few sentences at a time and translating (true story!). They will never experience having a sibling the same way that I did.

But after I thought about it a while, I realized that I need to take my own advice. When Addison asks about the boys, I always tell her that even though their bodies are not with us at home, their spirits are with God and since God is everywhere, Tyler & Ethan are with us wherever we go. They can see us and hear us and will watch over us always. When I reminded myself of that, I realized that my kids will have a good relationship, just a different one than my brother and I have. Tyler & Ethan will protect Addison every day; maybe not by intimidating bullies or gross guys when she gets to be dating age, but they will protect her from the big stuff. And even though they won't have a dance at each other's weddings or text message each other on their birthdays, the boys will send her signs to let her know that they are walking with her every day of her life. They will love each other the same way they would if we were all together here on earth, and that is comforting.

Thanks for Reading!
Jen

Dear 2011: You Suck. Sincerely, Jen.

I put up a new calendar at work today, one that I received from a vendor with pretty landscape scenes and inspirational quotes. The January 2012 quote is "Character consists of what you do on the third and fourth tries." That said to me that anyone can try a couple of times, but your true character comes out on those third and fourth tries. It made me realize that I learned a lot about my character in 2011, even though to put it bluntly, 2011 sucked eggs.
Tyler & Ethan were our "fourth try". I guess the fact that we even had a "fourth try" says a lot right there - I am obviously not a quitter. But looking back in my life file, I have been a bit of a quitter in the past. I've always been one to give up on something and move on if I'm not good at it. I participated in one season of basketball and one season of volleyball when I was a kid...I wasn't a starter or even second string, so I moved on to cheerleading and forensics, which I acceled at, loved and stuck with for the long haul. But did I love them genuinely or did I love them because these things came easily and more naturally to me? I really can't answer that.

I'm obviously not very good at making babies...1 success out of 5 children is not a good statistic. So I think the reason I'm still hesitant to give it another try is that trying again and again and again is very contrary to my nature. Ordinarily, my intuition tells me that if I'm not good at something, I should move on and try something else. But maybe this is yet another life lesson that I'm supposed to learn. Maybe I've been a quitter for too long and this is another gift from Tyler & Ethan - teaching me not to give up, even when things are not easy or natural.

Needless to say, I've been thinking a lot about trying again as our one year waiting period will be up in April. For the longest time I couldn't imagine myself pregnant again, even though I've said on here in the past that I know I'll regret it if I don't try. Being pregnant again just didn't seem fathomable when I thought about it. It was like trying to imagine myself as a child again; something that I had lived through in the past, but that I would only be able to go back to in my dreams. So I asked God and Tyler & Ethan for some sort of sign to tell me what to do - should we really try again? Shortly after that, I started having dreams about being pregnant. Ok, very likely to be coincidental, given that my mind was already on the baby train...but now the last three days when I've gotten into the van to go somewhere, the song Stronger by Sara Evans is playing. It's a song about a break-up and the woman getting stronger every day, but it totally applies here as well. I think it's a reminder from the boys that I'm stronger than I ever was before and am getting better every day. If you have survived the death of a child, you can survive damn near anything.

So yes, 2011 sucked. I endured more pain and heartache than I ever imagined I could. But I survived. I didn't lay down and die; I lived to tell about it. And I'm learning from all that heartache every day. That is the important thing. Plus, being a mom to angels is a pretty big deal too.

Here's to a better 2012 for us all. I know there will be stumbling blocks, challenges and maybe more heartache, but I also know that I will survive it. And my heart will tell me when it's time to stop trying.

Thanks for reading,
Jen

2 Upsetting Issues & Counting

Everyone's talking about it, so I suppose I will too. The Duggars. We all know they lost their 20th child recently at 19 weeks gestation. I of course feel terrible for them, knowing the grief they are experiencing right now. But coupled with my sympathy for them is a mounting rage against all the people in the media/online community who are treating this baby's death as if it is somehow her parents' fault. I am here to tell you that even though I do not know the medical circumstances around this child's death, none of us should be judging.
I have now lost 4 children. Four. I've had two first trimester miscarriages and lost Tyler & Ethan due to preterm birth. I ask myself every day if their deaths were somehow my fault. I'm young, don't have health problems and followed all the rules while I was pregnant. What did I do wrong? If you know, please enlighten me. So when people point fingers at the Duggars and say that they had it coming and it's God's way of telling them to stop, I have to ask - do you feel I need to stop too? The Duggars have had one miscarriage and then this most recent loss. That's two. Two out of 21! I've lost 4 of my 5 children. Four beautiful souls were created and lost under my watch. Is that God's sign for me that I'm not fit to have more children? Should I stop now and just be "happy with what I have" instead of creating  and destroying additional little lives? I struggle with this question every day, and when the media gets their panties in a bundle over the subject, I really get upset.

And today was just the straw that broke the camel's back. You may have heard that the Duggar's released photographs of their lost baby, Jubilee. Some members of the media/online community are again in a frenzy saying that it is just gross to share pictures of your deceased child. One site I saw today actually said "Why would you take pictures of a stillborn baby?!" I'll tell you why. BECAUSE IT'S ALL YOU HAVE AND ALL YOU WILL EVER HAVE TO REMIND YOU OF THAT CHILD.  I was so mad I could spit, as my grandma says. If you don't want to look at their pictures, then don't. It's none of anyone's business how they choose to honor their child. I'll admit I have only shared Tyler & Ethan's pictures with a few people, and the only place they are displayed in  my house is in our bedroom, but I admire the Duggars for sharing the very tastefully done images of Jubilee with the world (the ones I saw were just of her hands and feet joined with her parents' hands; they were actually taken by the same organization that did our photos, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep). I hope to someday have their amazing courage.

Point being, we are not the ones who should be judging the Duggars or anyone else in this life. None of us can know what God intends for us, let alone assume what God intends for someone else.

If the Duggars could read this, I would say one thing to them: Try to celebrate Jubilee's life and the gifts that she has given you more than you mourn her death. It's what has gotten me this far, and I hope it works for you too.

Thanks for reading,
Jen

Celebrating

There are days when I feel like I don't have much to celebrate this time of year. We had a tremendous part of our lives taken away from us, and that still hurts, especially at this time of year when the focus is on family more than ever. We are supposed to be celebrating two little boys' first Christmas with toys, Santa visits and lots of pictures. Instead, I'm picking out the wreath I'll take to the cemetery. It really sucks.

But there are other days when I know that life is good. Even though we are missing Tyler & Ethan, we still have so much to celebrate. So to help remind myself how much I have to be thankful for, I made a list of reasons to celebrate this holiday:

- Addison. She is my oldest and my sunshine baby...she brings me joy every day, especially when she tells me I'm her best friend. Even if I had no one else, I would still be the luckiest person alive just by being her mom.

- Brad. He holds me together when I'm falling apart. He deals with my craziness. And he does laundry. I wouldn't be who I am today without him.

- My Family. I have been so lucky to have their support. They have gone out of their way to help me through this tragedy. I'm always free to talk about the boys, they respect my wishes when I need some time to myself or have a bad day, and they're here for us in ways that I had never stopped to imagine.

- My Friends. Another jackpot. My friends from "back home", my work friends and my neighborhood friends are like family to me. The outpouring of support from everyone has been tremendous.  I really don't know what I'd do without you all.

- Tyler & Ethan. Even though they aren't here, they still existed and I am thankful for that every day. Their lives will shape who I am and who I continue to evolve into. I can never thank them enough for that.

- God. Yes, He and I have had a strained relationship as of late. At first, I turned to Him and kept my faith strong. But going to church got so hard. I couldn't make it through Mass without crying, which really confused Addison. So I stopped going. Surprisingly, I was never mad at him. But I did feel hurt, let down and abandoned. I know I shouldn't feel that way, and I'm going to get back into going to church again. I hope to be celebrating Him again soon.

So here's to the holidays, and to finding things to celebrate. And remember that each of us needs to celebrate in our own way, be it by keeping busy, keeping quiet or just trying to keep it all together.