It's all Relative...Siblings, that is

Today we celebrated my little brother's 27th birthday. He's my only sibling, so we're pretty close. I remember growing up how we'd fight like cats and dogs and refuse to apologize to each other when our parents broke it up, but how we always had each other's backs through it all. I still joke that he's more protective of me than my husband is! He was the first person I thought of when I needed a godfather for my firstborn and the first person I thought of when I needed a pallbearer for my 2nd & 3rd. He's been my protector and one of the most important people in my life for the last 27 years.

Sadly, I realized this weekend that my kids will never have the same relationship that my brother and I have shared. I feel like Addison already misses out on so much because she's our only child at home. She'll never have the chance to get hurt doing something stupid and to look up at one of her brothers and utter "get mom"...then look on thankfully to see him running full speed to get her help (i.e., riding a calf and of course falling off or perhaps trying to pry hamburger patties apart with a paring knife and ending up stabbing yourself in the meat of your thumb...yes, sadly that was me, and my brother always ran to get me help!).  Tyler & Ethan won't have a chance to struggle with Shakespeare and have their sister try to help them study by reciting a few sentences at a time and translating (true story!). They will never experience having a sibling the same way that I did.

But after I thought about it a while, I realized that I need to take my own advice. When Addison asks about the boys, I always tell her that even though their bodies are not with us at home, their spirits are with God and since God is everywhere, Tyler & Ethan are with us wherever we go. They can see us and hear us and will watch over us always. When I reminded myself of that, I realized that my kids will have a good relationship, just a different one than my brother and I have. Tyler & Ethan will protect Addison every day; maybe not by intimidating bullies or gross guys when she gets to be dating age, but they will protect her from the big stuff. And even though they won't have a dance at each other's weddings or text message each other on their birthdays, the boys will send her signs to let her know that they are walking with her every day of her life. They will love each other the same way they would if we were all together here on earth, and that is comforting.

Thanks for Reading!
Jen

Dear 2011: You Suck. Sincerely, Jen.

I put up a new calendar at work today, one that I received from a vendor with pretty landscape scenes and inspirational quotes. The January 2012 quote is "Character consists of what you do on the third and fourth tries." That said to me that anyone can try a couple of times, but your true character comes out on those third and fourth tries. It made me realize that I learned a lot about my character in 2011, even though to put it bluntly, 2011 sucked eggs.
Tyler & Ethan were our "fourth try". I guess the fact that we even had a "fourth try" says a lot right there - I am obviously not a quitter. But looking back in my life file, I have been a bit of a quitter in the past. I've always been one to give up on something and move on if I'm not good at it. I participated in one season of basketball and one season of volleyball when I was a kid...I wasn't a starter or even second string, so I moved on to cheerleading and forensics, which I acceled at, loved and stuck with for the long haul. But did I love them genuinely or did I love them because these things came easily and more naturally to me? I really can't answer that.

I'm obviously not very good at making babies...1 success out of 5 children is not a good statistic. So I think the reason I'm still hesitant to give it another try is that trying again and again and again is very contrary to my nature. Ordinarily, my intuition tells me that if I'm not good at something, I should move on and try something else. But maybe this is yet another life lesson that I'm supposed to learn. Maybe I've been a quitter for too long and this is another gift from Tyler & Ethan - teaching me not to give up, even when things are not easy or natural.

Needless to say, I've been thinking a lot about trying again as our one year waiting period will be up in April. For the longest time I couldn't imagine myself pregnant again, even though I've said on here in the past that I know I'll regret it if I don't try. Being pregnant again just didn't seem fathomable when I thought about it. It was like trying to imagine myself as a child again; something that I had lived through in the past, but that I would only be able to go back to in my dreams. So I asked God and Tyler & Ethan for some sort of sign to tell me what to do - should we really try again? Shortly after that, I started having dreams about being pregnant. Ok, very likely to be coincidental, given that my mind was already on the baby train...but now the last three days when I've gotten into the van to go somewhere, the song Stronger by Sara Evans is playing. It's a song about a break-up and the woman getting stronger every day, but it totally applies here as well. I think it's a reminder from the boys that I'm stronger than I ever was before and am getting better every day. If you have survived the death of a child, you can survive damn near anything.

So yes, 2011 sucked. I endured more pain and heartache than I ever imagined I could. But I survived. I didn't lay down and die; I lived to tell about it. And I'm learning from all that heartache every day. That is the important thing. Plus, being a mom to angels is a pretty big deal too.

Here's to a better 2012 for us all. I know there will be stumbling blocks, challenges and maybe more heartache, but I also know that I will survive it. And my heart will tell me when it's time to stop trying.

Thanks for reading,
Jen

2 Upsetting Issues & Counting

Everyone's talking about it, so I suppose I will too. The Duggars. We all know they lost their 20th child recently at 19 weeks gestation. I of course feel terrible for them, knowing the grief they are experiencing right now. But coupled with my sympathy for them is a mounting rage against all the people in the media/online community who are treating this baby's death as if it is somehow her parents' fault. I am here to tell you that even though I do not know the medical circumstances around this child's death, none of us should be judging.
I have now lost 4 children. Four. I've had two first trimester miscarriages and lost Tyler & Ethan due to preterm birth. I ask myself every day if their deaths were somehow my fault. I'm young, don't have health problems and followed all the rules while I was pregnant. What did I do wrong? If you know, please enlighten me. So when people point fingers at the Duggars and say that they had it coming and it's God's way of telling them to stop, I have to ask - do you feel I need to stop too? The Duggars have had one miscarriage and then this most recent loss. That's two. Two out of 21! I've lost 4 of my 5 children. Four beautiful souls were created and lost under my watch. Is that God's sign for me that I'm not fit to have more children? Should I stop now and just be "happy with what I have" instead of creating  and destroying additional little lives? I struggle with this question every day, and when the media gets their panties in a bundle over the subject, I really get upset.

And today was just the straw that broke the camel's back. You may have heard that the Duggar's released photographs of their lost baby, Jubilee. Some members of the media/online community are again in a frenzy saying that it is just gross to share pictures of your deceased child. One site I saw today actually said "Why would you take pictures of a stillborn baby?!" I'll tell you why. BECAUSE IT'S ALL YOU HAVE AND ALL YOU WILL EVER HAVE TO REMIND YOU OF THAT CHILD.  I was so mad I could spit, as my grandma says. If you don't want to look at their pictures, then don't. It's none of anyone's business how they choose to honor their child. I'll admit I have only shared Tyler & Ethan's pictures with a few people, and the only place they are displayed in  my house is in our bedroom, but I admire the Duggars for sharing the very tastefully done images of Jubilee with the world (the ones I saw were just of her hands and feet joined with her parents' hands; they were actually taken by the same organization that did our photos, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep). I hope to someday have their amazing courage.

Point being, we are not the ones who should be judging the Duggars or anyone else in this life. None of us can know what God intends for us, let alone assume what God intends for someone else.

If the Duggars could read this, I would say one thing to them: Try to celebrate Jubilee's life and the gifts that she has given you more than you mourn her death. It's what has gotten me this far, and I hope it works for you too.

Thanks for reading,
Jen

Celebrating

There are days when I feel like I don't have much to celebrate this time of year. We had a tremendous part of our lives taken away from us, and that still hurts, especially at this time of year when the focus is on family more than ever. We are supposed to be celebrating two little boys' first Christmas with toys, Santa visits and lots of pictures. Instead, I'm picking out the wreath I'll take to the cemetery. It really sucks.

But there are other days when I know that life is good. Even though we are missing Tyler & Ethan, we still have so much to celebrate. So to help remind myself how much I have to be thankful for, I made a list of reasons to celebrate this holiday:

- Addison. She is my oldest and my sunshine baby...she brings me joy every day, especially when she tells me I'm her best friend. Even if I had no one else, I would still be the luckiest person alive just by being her mom.

- Brad. He holds me together when I'm falling apart. He deals with my craziness. And he does laundry. I wouldn't be who I am today without him.

- My Family. I have been so lucky to have their support. They have gone out of their way to help me through this tragedy. I'm always free to talk about the boys, they respect my wishes when I need some time to myself or have a bad day, and they're here for us in ways that I had never stopped to imagine.

- My Friends. Another jackpot. My friends from "back home", my work friends and my neighborhood friends are like family to me. The outpouring of support from everyone has been tremendous.  I really don't know what I'd do without you all.

- Tyler & Ethan. Even though they aren't here, they still existed and I am thankful for that every day. Their lives will shape who I am and who I continue to evolve into. I can never thank them enough for that.

- God. Yes, He and I have had a strained relationship as of late. At first, I turned to Him and kept my faith strong. But going to church got so hard. I couldn't make it through Mass without crying, which really confused Addison. So I stopped going. Surprisingly, I was never mad at him. But I did feel hurt, let down and abandoned. I know I shouldn't feel that way, and I'm going to get back into going to church again. I hope to be celebrating Him again soon.

So here's to the holidays, and to finding things to celebrate. And remember that each of us needs to celebrate in our own way, be it by keeping busy, keeping quiet or just trying to keep it all together.

Here Come the Holidays

It all starts with Halloween. Costumes, parties and more candy than we know what to do with. Then in an instant, we're faced with Thanksgiving, then Christmas. We shop, we cook and we celebrate. Or at least that's the idea...

I couldn't figure out why I've been in sort of a funk lately, then today, after our area's first snowfall, it dawned on me. The holidays are approaching and it's got me down. I thought about the boys' first Halloween last week of course. I would have dressed them as a cow and a monkey because those are the infant Halloween costumes that I have. I think Tyler would have been the monkey and Ethan would have been the cow. Not sure why, that's just how I picture it in my mind. It was sad to think about that. But today, as the snow fell and I looked around at all that perfect whiteness on my way home, it really hit me. I remembered that it snowed the day Tyler & Ethan were born. To the best of my recollection, it hasn't snowed since, until today. It was a weird realization that time is moving so fast; it's already snowing again. And today would have been their first real snowfall. Next comes their first Thanksgiving, and then the dreaded first Christmas. Bummer.

I knew the holidays were going to be hard, but I don't think I realized how hard. I've already been busy gathering ideas to help us include the boys in our holidays, to try and make this a little easier. I want to make a donation to our local Toys for Tots of items that I would have bought for them on their first Christmas. We did our family picture for our Christmas cards at Disney and included Tyler & Ethan's stuffed puppies to represent them. But even with the best laid plans and trying really hard to celebrate their lives more than I mourn their deaths, I just can't help but feel a little down. It feels like they're missing out on so much, and so are we.

So this year, I may have to do things a little differently. Instead of being immersed in the holidays, we might just lay low. I'll of course make it a great Christmas for Addison, but I'm going to try really hard to make sure we get our own family time too and not run ourselves ragged trying to make it everywhere we're expected to be. I'm also a little afraid that I just won't feel much like celebrating, althought I know I need to be normal for Addison's sake. I guess we'll see what happens. All we can do is to do our best.

Thanks for reading,
Jen

Sunshine, Bunnies & Other Signs

I'm a firm believer in signs. Not stop signs or signs of old age (yes, already!)...but signs from Heaven. My husband, however, thinks I'm nuts. Sorry Brad - you knew I'd rat you out to the world eventually. If you have ever lost someone close to you, you might understand why I'm such a big believer though. It's the little things that happen at just the right moment or out-of-the-ordinary events that you immediately see a significance in. Those are the things that scream out to me "Look Mom; we're ok!" And as crazy as it may sound, I see these things and I believe them. I have to. It gives me peace of mind that they're ok and that they don't blame me. So I wanted to share a couple stories with you...if you are a newly bereaved parent, I want you to know it's ok to look for the signs but also ok if you don't see them right away...

At first, I missed the signs. Constantly. Thank God for Robyn. One of my BFF's from back home, she's always been the level-headed one, and thankfully also very observant! At the funeral, our funeral director told me that they didn't put a canopy out at the cemetery, so he hoped it didn't keep misting/raining as it had been. He said "the weather is in Tyler & Ethan's hands today." When we got to the cemetery, it was overcast but not raining. Robyn noticed that at the exact moment when the priest started the graveside service, the sun came out.

Then there was the March of Dimes walk. We had 4 blue balloons tied to Addison's wagon and were going to let them go after the walk. Addison wanted to keep one, so that left 3 to release. Robyn had the camera and took pictures of us letting the balloons go. A few seconds after they were released, she started yelling for us to look at them...one balloon had drifted off by itself but the other two were floating together. One of those two then swooped down and head-butted the other one...something Ethan had done to Tyler (or vice versa!) during an ultrasound one day. And they floated together for as long as we could see them.

Then there are the bunnies. We planted a memory garden in our backyard, and for a lot of the summer, we've had these two bunnies that were always hanging around it. It was ALWAYS two bunnies. I never saw one without the other, and sometimes they even appeared to be playing tag or something. I knew it was another sign. I even named them Tyler Bunny & Ethan Bunny and took their picture for the boys' scrapbook. Then a good friend from our neighborhood fell ill with cancer. During her last week at hospice, I was feeling down and walked to the backyard to water the memory garden. And that was the day that I saw THREE bunnies. A couple days later, that friend passed away. I saw those three bunnies one more time together, and now I haven't seen any of them since. I truly believe it was a sign that the boys and our dear friend have found each other in Heaven.
M - Love you, lady. Wish you were here, but I know you're taking good care of my boys and making one heck of a guardian angel to your family & friends.

So keep a relaxed eye out for the signs...look too hard and you'll miss them, but on the other hand, you need to have your eyes open to see them. No matter who you're missing, you'll find your sign.

Thanks for reading,
Jen

The Million Dollar Question

When Tyler & Ethan were about to be born, we were given our options. Regular delivery and only "comfort care" for them afterwards or emergeny c-section with long-shot NICU attempts to save them; the latter option they told me meant that I would always have to have c-sections with any subsequent pregnancies. I looked right at that doctor and sobbed "That doesn't matter. I'm not doing this again anyway."

With Tyler & Ethan, our family was supposed to be complete. We always said we wanted 2 or 3 kids, and their birth would have given us three. Then we were supposed to be a big happy family. But as I've said before, life doesn't always work out the way we plan it.

Now that I'm not in the haze of being newly bereaved, I can stop and think this through. When I stated that I wasn't "doing this again", I was so consumed with grief that I hadn't yet stopped to think about the little lives we had created. Even though they weren't ours to keep here on earth, they were still ours none the less. And we loved them. Their existance was worth every moment of heartbreak and every tear we cried. They have touched so many people and taught us all so much. I will never, ever, not even for a moment, regret that they existed. And that is what I need to hold onto going forward.

I told you previously that we had an appointment with the perinatologists over the summer where they examined our case and didn't find any reason or wrongdoing associated with the boys' premature birth. What I didn't tell you was that we also discussed trying again. They told us that we should wait 6-12 months to be safe, but that it looked very hopeful, given that we had Addison without any problems. They are still going to take me on as a patient, should the time come, and they would offer me hormone shots to help protect the pregnancy. They said the only thing that would scare them is if I were pregnant with twins again, in which case they would offer us selective reduction. Wow. That's a lot to think about and a lot to stress about. I'm not sure I'm ready for the worry, especially the prospect of twins again. I haven't told many people this, but my first miscarriage was suspected to possibly have been twins as well.

So we weighed our options and decided that if we don't try again, we'll always regret it. And if we do try again and we end up losing another child to Heaven, we know we'll be heartbroken but we'll never regret it. We don't know if God will bless us with another child or not, or whether or not He'll let us keep him/her. But we know we have to try at some point and let whatever happens happen. We just don't know when. And that is the answer to the million dollar question, even if it's not very concrete.

A few couples from our support group have lost a second child; two of them very recently. My heart breaks for these parents. No one deserves to lose a child, and especially not two or more. You'd think that the odds would be on your side, but it seems like the odds mean nothing in these situations. A friend from this group wrote a blog post recently about holding onto hope, even when faced with situations such as these. She's absolutely right, and I pray that these parents and all our bereaved friends find their hope again. And I pray that I find it too.

Thanks for reading!
Jen