Cheers to Sober October and other Musings

Wow...hey there, old friends. I haven't felt moved to write in a long time, but guess what? I'm back!

First let me address my recent experiment with Sober October. If you're like most of my friends, you're thinking, "WTH is that" and "why on earth would you do that?!". Great questions. Back in September I had a thought on my heart...do I drink too much? I didn't think I had a problem, but was I setting a bad example for my kids? Was I drinking as a way to make myself feel less socially awkward at events? Was I drinking as a way to deal with stress? I was pretty sure the answer to all of those questions was Yes.
Towards the end of September, I had two separate family members tell me that they were concerned about my and/or my husband's drinking. Holy crap. So now the paranoia in my head has been validated by others. At first, I panicked. Am I an alcoholic? Am I a bad parent?
Then I was listening to the Rise podcast by Rachel Hollis one day. She said "if you can do something for 30 days, you can do anything. Like you could try Sober October. Just do something for 30 days to prove to yourself that you can." Light bulb!!!
So that was it. I decided that I was going to be alcohol-free for the entire month of October. Why? Because I needed to prove to myself that I wasn't dependent on alcohol. I needed to be reminded that I'm not "more fun when I'm drinking" and that I don't need it to take the edge off of life.
And so it began. My husband thought I was nuts. A lot of my friends thought I was nuts. But there were quite a few that appreciated my need for a re-set (thank you for that!).
Admittedly, I fell off the wagon for 1 night. 20 year class reunion. Not that I'm making excuses, but you only have one of those in your lifetime - so celebrate it!
I wanted to fall off the wagon so many more times though. Parties where I was the only adult not drinking. The day I found out that my best friend's mom has just months to live. The day I found out that a friend from our Bereaved Parents group had passed away of lung cancer...just days after I had missed an opportunity to go visit her and tell her how much I loved her. After long days at work spent making 0 progress on tough problems. So. Hard.
But here we are on November 2 and I did it! I feel great. I'm so glad I resisted most of the temptation and proved to myself that I can do it. Bonus - I lost 4 pounds and wore a pair of jeans that haven't seen the light of day in a couple years!!! I feel empowered to do more for myself and my health and to continue to keep it light on the alcohol consumption. Will I throw back a few with my friends at parties and such? Yes. Will I drink because I'm stressed or sad or uncomfortable - I hope the answer to that one is a long-term No.

So onto other musings...I wanted to say a word about worry. Don't worry. Just do it. Regarding my friend who passed from lung cancer...I sent her a message one morning when I was in Madison asking if she was up for visitors that day. I hadn't heard back from her by the time I was ready to go back home, so I didn't stop by. I was worried that maybe she wasn't feeling up to it and didn't want to bother her. A couple hours after I got home, she messaged me back saying she had just read my message...we texted back and forth and I promised to ping her the next time I was in town. 4 days later, she died. I will never forgive myself for letting my worry keep me from visiting my friend one final time. Don't ever be so caught up in the "what-if's" that you miss opportunities to show your love and appreciation for someone. You don't know if tomorrow is ever promised.

To Jenah - I don't know if you knew how much you impacted my life. I'm sorry that I didn't get to tell you. You were the first person to show me that it was possible to laugh again after losing Tyler & Ethan. You showed me that it's ok for sadness and joy to co-exist. You shared a love of all things Disney with me. You invited me to twin loss and rainbow mama events and made me feel welcome when I was terrified. You were my "plastic princess" Tupperware dealer...no way was I letting you keep referring to your beautiful self as the "plastic pimp." You were wildly hilarious even when you were sad or sick. I will always remember you with a crown, a smile and your tongue sticking out. Watch over us, snuggle my angels and godspeed my friend.

XO,
Jen

Back to School Blues

I'm really one of the lucky ones, if there is such a thing. The chaos of getting my 8 year old ready for school and fall activities is almost enough to make me forget how much additional chaos this family is missing. Almost...
Tomorrow is the first day of school. I'll make my sidewalk chalk art declaring it's my oldest's first day of 3rd grade and I'll take pictures as she boards the big bus. I'm looking forward to her smiles and first day excitement. But a part of me will feel crushed. Crushed because I should have helped pack 3 backpacks tonight. I should have sidewalk chalk art taking up an even bigger portion of our driveway tomorrow morning. I should be sending Tyler & Ethan to Kindergarten tomorrow. I can only imagine what we're missing - I would panic that I would run out of sidewalk chalk before I fully spelled out "kindergarten" plus A's "3rd grade" lettering. I would worry a little about them getting off the bus and to their classroom, since it would be their first day at the "big school." I would tell A ten times to make sure she walks them to their classroom and makes sure they get on the right bus to go to daycare after school. She would roll her eyes, and I would know that despite the sarcasm, she worried about them as much as I did. She's a mother hen that way.
But tomorrow morning, it will be just my oldest boarding that bus. And our rainbow looking on at her big sister of course, asking when it will be her turn. Too soon, Ladybug...too soon. I will smile with tears in my eyes and wave to her as the bus drives off, and then we'll all get on with our day. The moment will be short. The anticipation of it always bigger than the moment itself. The worst of the hurt only lasting for a short while now. Until the next milestone...
I pray that Tyler & Ethan will watch over their classmates this school year and always. Running beside them, laughing at their jokes, sharing in their excitement. Most of those kids don't know that there should be two dishwater blonde twin boys in their circle of friends this year, but even though they don't know Tyler & Ethan, I hope they feel them. Feel their spirit, feel their love, and feel their protection. Just like I do.

~Jen

5 Years

It's the milestones that get you. The first year is expectedly the worst - the first Christmas they miss, the first family vacation, their first birthday. Each one of those days is bittersweet. Heartbreaking for all they're missing, yet bittersweet when you remember all that they had, even if it was only for a short time. One would think that each year that goes by, you miss them a little less. Not true. You never stop missing those you love. Every year, you add to your mental list all the things that they missed. This year marks 5 years. Five years since Tyler & Ethan were born. And died. Five years since we held them. Five years since we said hello and good-bye, all within a couple of hours. When I think about everything they've missed in those 5 years, it is so sad. They never got to go to school, meet their baby sister, be held by their big sister, learned to ride a bike, play fetch with the dog, go to Disney. On one hand, five years doesn't seem like a lot in the grand scheme of things, but on the other, there is so much that happens in five years. So many experiences they have missed.

But have they really missed them? That's the question I keep asking myself, even though I know the answer. They haven't really missed a thing. I believe in angels, and I believe my boys have walked beside us every day for the last 5 years. They knew their baby sister before I did. I still believe that between Tyler, Ethan and our friend Monica, they brought our rainbow baby to us safely. It is so hard to look at her and think that if Tyler & Ethan had lived, Lexie would have never been born. Not that I would ever trade one for the other; it's just human nature to want it all but know it never would have happened. Lexie was talking about her friend Madison the other day. Madison doesn't have any brothers or sisters, and Lexie was asking "Where is Madison's sister?" I said Madison doesn't have brothers or sisters. Lexie says "Oh, only I have brothers and sisters?" I said yes. You have two brothers in Heaven and your sister. She's big into asking "why" lately, so I was bracing myself for it. It never came. She just said "oh" and moved on. It was so interesting to me that this child who is curious about everything and asks me "why" twenty times a day, did not bat an eyelash at the fact that she has two brothers in Heaven. She's only 3, so we've never had a big explanation about death and Heaven. But it's like she knew. Because she did. She probably knows her brothers in a way that I will never understand, and that is so beautiful.

So no, they haven't missed a thing. They see us every day. They see the good things we are doing in their memory, and the amazing birthday party we throw every year for them to benefit March of Dimes. And they are proud. And happy. And they love each and every one of you for keeping their memory alive. And so do I.

Happy 5th Birthday, Tyler & Ethan.

So Much to Say

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I posted last. Life is crazy. Beautiful, but crazy.

I'll start where I left off last time. April Fool's. I had asked everyone to celebrate Tyler & Ethan's birthday by having a little fun and playing an April Fool's prank. I even encouraged T & E to prank me if they could. Well, they did. I always take off work on April 1. I stay home and work on their scrapbook and visit the cemetery by myself before we go as a family later. So when I returned to work the next day, I was surprised to see two random carabiner clips hanging in my cubicle. Weird, right? I don't use carabiners and I don't think we even sell them where I work! I traced it back to our cubicle-neighborhood prankster...who I am friends with but not Facebook friends with and I'm pretty positive he has never read my blog. I have to imagine that a couple little angels were using him as a vehicle for their prank on mom. I'm sure he has no idea how his simple act brought tears to my eyes and made me so happy, but maybe I'll tell him someday.

Fast forward to September. The first day of school this year was so hard. I drew Addison her "First Day of Second Grace" sidewalk chalk art for her annual picture, and of course Lexie had to get in on the photo opp too. It was such a hard thing to do this year though because I should have been drawing "First Day of 4K" for Tyler & Ethan too. I should have been taking their picture getting on the little 4K bus with their friends at daycare. I should have had tears that my babies were going off to school. And instead, I had tears that they were not. I work from home sometimes and sit at the kitchen table where I can see out the window while I work. It hurts my heart every time the little 4K bus drives past picking up and dropping off what would have been Tyler & Ethan's classmates. Every single time, it still hurts.

And now fast forward to March. We're knee-deep in planning this year's March of Dimes Fundraiser, which is scheduled for April 2. I always do it around Tyler & Ethan's birthday because it fills the void of not being able to plan a birthday party for them. This fundraiser IS their birthday party. And it's always amazing. I was getting my pizza order together last night, going through spreadsheets from prior years, and stopped to look at the folder I was in. I have a folder on my laptop called "Tyler&Ethan". It was created April 2, 2011, the day after they died. For the first year, it only housed things like the readings our uncles did at the funeral, the poem I wrote for their funeral leaftlet, their photos from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, and other sad reminders of their passing. Today, that folder is blooming with happiness. We are preparing for our 5th March of Dimes Fundraiser, and all the planning documents live in my Tyler&Ethan folder. Flyers, newspaper ads, donation lists, thank you note lists. This event has transformed a very sad place into one filled with hope and strength. Looking in that folder shows me how far we've come. We've come out of the ashes of a tragedy and turned it into a legacy for the boys that walk beside us in spirit. And for that, I am proud. I am thankful. I am blessed.

One more thing before I go. I KNOW in the very depts. of my soul that Tyler & Ethan are with me. Right beside me sometimes even. I received a donation from our silent auction from Megan at Bridge Creek Cottage (find her on Etsy - her wreaths are great). The kids had Pandora on, and when I opened up the box from Megan, "my song" for the boys came on. A Thousand Years by Christina Perri. I had so many silent tears - thankful tears, happy tears, sad tears and tears of joy knowing that it was the boys' way of saying they see what we do. They see what we ALL do and they are proud of us.

Here's my song. I know it's weird that this is from Twilight, but the words speak to me. I imagine myself reuniting with Tyler & Ethan in Heaven and saying to them "I have died every day waiting for you...I have loved you for a thousand years; I'll love you for a thousand more."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtOvBOTyX00

Thank you for reading and following Tyler & Ethan's legacy. I invite you all to attend our March of Dimes Fundraiser April 2 in Barneveld! See facebook.com/thewalkerboys for details!!

Much love,
Jen

Blessings, Lessons & April Fools

Some people say that everyone who touches your life is either a blessing or a lesson. I would add to that that some people are both. I know that sounds strange...this quote is really meant to explain why crappy people touch your life sometimes - that bully in junior high, the guy who cut you off in traffic, the old boss who didn't have a nice bone in his body. Even though they brought negativity into your life, you were meant to learn something from them. But today, I want to tell you that sometimes, people bring both - sunshine and rain, joy and sadness, smiles and tears. And those people are the "both."

Today we celebrate Tyler & Ethan's 4th birthday. Those boys, even though we only had them for a short time, were a blessing. They brought us 6 months of hope, excitement and love before they were called home to Heaven. But they were also a lesson. Their death was by far the most negative, sad thing to ever touch my family. Even through all that sadness, we learned so many lessons though - to not take anything for granted, to enjoy your kids because they're only small once, to love your family and friends because they won't always be here, and to enjoy life because that's what being here on this earth is all about. 

Four years ago, I thought this day was forever going to be marred with unbearable grief. Every year, over and over again, listening to the April Fool's banter and being so angry that people were playing stupid jokes on each other while my heart is breaking. How dare they, right? My brother and I used to love April Fool's day when we were kids because we'd always get my mom with the "Mom, the cows are out!!" joke. She'd go running to the window and we'd erupt with laughter and yell April Fool's!! Even after we both moved out of the house, we'd still call her on the phone and tell her that a friend was driving by and saw the cows were out...that only worked about 50% of the time (moms are always smarter than they let on) but it was still a fun little tradition. I haven't pulled that prank for 5 years now. I have hated April Fool's Day since April 1, 2011. But today, I'm taking a different approach. Tyler & Ethan would be 4 years old today. I think that was about the age when Addison started thinking April Fool's was hilarious (she'd yell it any day of the year, as a matter of fact), and she loved little jokes...jumping out from behind a corner, saying something silly like "There's a unicorn on the roof!" and yelling April Fool's! So I know Tyler & Ethan would think that it was awesome that their birthday was on the biggest joke day of the year. Just think - it's their birthday, so really I'd let them get away with just about any prank they could think of. So in that spirit, I just may plan an April Fool's joke or two today. And you should too! Do it in memory of Tyler & Ethan and all the lessons they've taught us all. And of course, tell me about it!! 

One last thing - you may have saw my Facebook posts about our March of Dimes Fundraiser, but in case you didn't...we raised over $2,500 for March of Dimes in memory of Tyler & Ethan! The fundraiser started out looking disastrous - we had problems with the original venue and had to cancel, couldn't find a DJ for a while, had to move the date - but it all turned out to be a blessing in disguise because this year's fundraiser was better than ever. Thank you to everyone who came, donated and volunteered - we couldn't do this without you! It's so awesome to be able to bring people together to remember our boys and raise money for a great cause in their memory. I hope to keep this going for a long, long time! 

Happy Birthday in Heaven, Tyler & Ethan - play some pranks on your angel friends today (and on me too if you're able). Love you always. 

Much love to you all,

Jen

Sometimes Grief Rides Shotgun

I haven't blogged in almost a year. I haven't known what to say. It wasn't that I didn't feel the need to or didn't have anything to say; I just couldn't put the chaos in my head into words. Truth is, I had a hard time with Tyler & Ethan's third birthday this year. You wouldn't know it by looking at me; as usual, I try hard to keep it together. I didn't feel like I should be having a hard time with it at this point. The wounds aren't fresh anymore. I've found gratifying ways to honor their memory and put my energy into being thankful for the short time we had with them. You'd think it would be easier...but it wasn't. The weeks leading up to their birthday left me constantly beating myself up about the decisions that were made surrounding their care, the stress I had subjected myself to at work while I was pregnant with them, and all the "what if's" that go along with it. What if I had turned down that big project that had me working crazy hours and yelling at everyone? What if I had listened to my Grandma and stayed off my feet at home? What if, what if, what if... The quiet moments in the car on the way to and from work were when grief rode shotgun and guilt was a backseat driver.

A week or two before Tyler & Ethan's birthday, I was asked to work on a large project again. It was all too reminiscent of the situation I had been in while I was pregnant with them; the big "2011 project" I had agreed to work on that I (and I assume others) may blame for what happened to the boys. I freaked out. I am a rock most days - you have to try pretty hard to get me to cry, especially in public. But when I had to talk to my peers and superiors about not taking this project, I was a sobbing mess. Through tears, I explained that I could not take on this kind of responsibility plus my regular responsibilities because of what I had been through on the "2011 project" and all the stress that it had put on me and my family. I am so lucky to work where I do now - I work for a totally different team than I did in 2011 - my managers now are the best and would never torture me with a situation as bad as that "2011 project" but my heart couldn't take the risk. Luckily they were very understanding of my position on this matter. My family is the reason I needed to say no - T&E taught me that time with my family should be my #1 priority. Guilt is the reason I was a sobbing, hysterical mess; I felt like I was reliving 2011 and saying all the things I should have said back then...and the horrible guilt that maybe if I had turned down that project I could have saved my babies' lives.  I know I can't go there...but I just needed to say that sometimes, I still do. That's how grief is.

I guess what I'm saying is that everyone has their triggers. Bad feelings pop up. Old guilt pops up. You see a baby that reminds you of your own, and a sudden sting of tears sneaks up out of nowhere. It doesn't make sense. But I've learned that's how grief is. It's something I'll never be cured of. I'll still have bad days, sad times and things I'll need to work through. It sucks, but it's normal.

Today, October 15, was the worldwide Wave of Light. At 7pm, we lit our candles for Tyler and Ethan and shared a picture on Facebook. I was overwhelmed by the number of people who lit candles for their babies and ours and tagged us. My Facebook was blowing up! So out of the darkness has come all this light - all this friendship, support and love. And that is what I try to look to when grief starts riding shotgun.

Thanks for reading,
Jen

Missing You at Christmas

Two years ago, we attended our first Holiday Remembrance Service for the Bereaved Parents of Madison group. It is a beautiful annual service held at a church in Monona, organized by some veteran members of our group that I'm lucky enough to call my friends now. There are beautiful readings, touching songs, and a reading of all our babies' names. I remember sitting in the audience that first year watching fellow bereaved parents take the podium and read memorial poems and excerpts so calmly and without shedding a tear. All while I sat in the pew silently sobbing over every word that reminded me of Tyler & Ethan (when you have a four year old, you learn quickly how to fall apart without anyone noticing). I wondered to myself, how do they do it? How do these parents find the strength to speak these touching words without completely losing it? I couldn't even listen to their words without sobbing. I eventually learned to talk about the boys without falling apart, and of course I can write about them until the cows come home, but songs and memorial poems/quotes have always had a way of making me tear up at a minimum. I just decided I would never be able to be that strong.

This year, however, I proved myself wrong. I was given the opportunity to do a reading for this year's service, and I accepted it. The reading I was given was incredibly "me". Here it is:

Excerpt from The Promise of the Rainbow...After A Child Dies by Patti Fochi Read
Tomorrow-not today- You will see the light in your darkness.
And you will learn to touch your precious child in your soul.
You will meet him spiritually and the emptiness will be somewhat filled.
It will become easier to speak than to cry.
And the heaviness will be lifted from your heart.
Your arms will no longer ache to hold him near.
And you will touch his spirit with your heart.
And he will kiss you in your dreams.
And the pain will slowly ease – but never go away- You will find joy again and laughter will come. You will once again feel the wholeness of your life -But never too soon- And only with the passing of time.

I took the podium this year and read that excerpt with my two guardian angels sitting on my shoulders, and I made it through. It was really a moment of triumph over my grief. I have to admit though, the first time I read that excerpt, I cried. The second time I read it, I cried less...and so on until I could do it without flinching. But I wasn't crying because it made me sad. The tears came because it is such a beautiful summary of what we've been through and how far we've come. I really have learned to meet my children spiritually, and that gives me peace. Over time, my wounds have healed but the scars remain. I can laugh, be happy and enjoy life in ways that I didn't think I could two years ago. It has taken time, but I've learned to look at the glass as half full. Instead of mourning what I've lost and how quickly Tyler & Ethan were taken from me, I thank God for the short time I had with them. I really believe their purpose was never to walk this earth; they were here for a short time to teach and then move on to Heaven to be our guardian angels. I know my life and my personality are completely different now than they would have been without Tyler & Ethan; they have changed me for the better. And for that, I am thankful. Glass. Half. Full.

So to all of my friends who are missing someone in Heaven this Christmas, know that I feel for you. Know that over time, your pain will lessen and you will smile again. Cherish your memories and remember to be thankful for whatever time you had with your loved one. The best way to keep him/her alive is to remember the lessons their life taught you and to find hope again. Remember that they are always watching over you always.

Merry Christmas in Heaven, boys. You and your sisters will always be my greatest gifts. Keep on smiling down on us.

thanks for reading!
Jen

Coming Full Circle

I can't believe it's been so long since I've blogged! Obviously I've been busy enjoying our rainbow baby Lexie and it's been crazy trying to adjust to being back at work. Today is literally the first time in almost five months I've had a free moment!
I've been thinking about this blog post for quite a while. Over the last five months, several things have happened that have to be more than coincidence; mainly in that people we met at the time of Tyler & Ethan's loss have made their way back into our lives to welcome their baby sister. It all started the day she was born...
I called into the triage desk to let them know we were on our way, and who answers the phone? None other than Sara, our labor & delivery nurse from the day Tyler & Ethan were born. She was on duty, ready to check me in and prep me for my C-section. It was so great to have a familiar face (and awesome nurse) at such a nerve-racking time. I really felt like the boys arranged the timing on that one!
Unfortunately I couldn't take Sara with me to the OR, but I had two fabulous nurses there as well - Jean and Allison. The surgery went great, but I knew there was something off...the nurses didn't bring Lexie over to us, and it took forever before they even let Brad go across the room to her. Turns out she had some breathing difficulties and needed to go to the NICU. Most people would expect me to totally freak out...but I didn't. For some reason, I felt really calm about it. I was confident that she was going to be just fine. It helped that the docs reassured us too of course (and maybe I was drugged up a bit too...). But now comes the next appearance of an old friend...another nurse who was near and dear to us while we were in the hospital with the boys was Ange. She was with me when we were informed that there was no stopping their delivery and that we would have to make some hard decisions. Ange transferred to the NICU after helping our family two years ago, and low and behold, she was able to take care of Lexie the day she was born. If I wasn't seeing the signs before, I was definitely getting it now. Tyler & Ethan were sending us a message that they were with us and watching over their little sister.
Now this last one really blows my mind. While I was on maternity leave, I volunteered at Addison's Vacation Bible School up at the Lutheran Church. I got talking to their intern, Vicar Don, a few times and always felt like I knew him from somewhere but couldn't place it. On the last day of bible school, they had a program and potluck at the church, and Vicar Don asked if he could talk to me afterwards. When we spoke, he said that he had been praying for us for two years...he was the hospital chaplain that was with us when Tyler & Ethan were born. I was almost too stunned for words. This is a person who really blew me away that day. Don blessed Tyler and then held and talked to him while Ethan was born. Had he not been there, Tyler probably would have laid alone in an isolette during that time. He then baptized Ethan before he passed away. I felt like he loved my boys like family that day. I couldn't find the words to tell him how much that meant to me, but I hope to track him down via email if our paths don't cross again soon.
What are the chances?! When I sit down to think about this, I know now that it is all part of a message. I think Tyler & Ethan brought these people back into our lives to let us know that everything comes full circle; nothing is ever all said and done. And even though we met these people in a time of tragedy, we were all brought back together for a time of joy and celebration with Lexie's birth. It wasn't just about us - I'm sure it was healing for our friends to be part of this joyous occasion too!
I understand now more than ever that there is no "good-bye"...only "until we meet again", whether that is here or in Heaven. Thanks Boys.

Happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven

Today is a bittersweet day. Two years ago, we said hello and good-bye to Tyler and Ethan. We were shocked, horrified and guilt-stricken about what had happened to our beautiful baby boys. I didn't know if we would ever find hope or the kind of happiness we had once known ever again. But now, two years later on this day, I am happy. I am hopeful. And we are getting ready to celebrate the arrival of our rainbow baby, Lexie. Our family has been blessed with the things that we never thought possible two years ago. And we owe it all to our angels...

To celebrate their birthday, I want to brag about my boys a bit. I want to take some time today to explain how I've finally found peace with Tyler & Ethan's death, becaue they're the ones who have given it to me. When we lost the boys, I spent a lot of time looking for answers. What had I done wrong? I also spent a lot of time asking them to forgive me; forgive me for not saving them, forgive me for taking them for granted while I was pregnant, forgive me for God not finding me worthy enough to keep them. This went on for a long time and it broke my heart even further, if that was even possible.

But over time, I began to feel differently. I attended the Bereaved Parents of Madison support group. I started this blog. I got involved with the March of Dimes and Mikayla's Grace. And I would receive the most amazing signs from the boys, letting me know that they were always right there with me. It would be something simple like two bunnies in their memory garden mischeviously eating the flowers, or during a balloon release how their balloons would always float two by two. I began to realize that they didn't resent me or hold me accountable for their death; why would they send me such love if they did? I also realized how much I've learned and grown since the boys left me. I've made changes in my life, in the way I parent Addison, in the things I stress about/don't stress about, that I would have never made if Tyler & Ethan had never graced us with their brief presence. I started to believe that it wasn't anyone's fault; it was Tyler & Ethan's destiny to be put on this earth with us for only a short while, before being given angel wings. And now, even though I can't see them or hear them, I can still feel them. I know they walk beside us every day and will continue to be a reminder about taking care of what's really important in life: family, friends and making a difference.

So today, as a birthday tribute, I am going to reiterate a promise to them. Tyler & Ethan, I promise you that you will live on in me. I will make a difference in your name, and I will see to it that you leave a leagacy. I will continue to learn from your death; to value what's really important and to not get bent out of shape over things that won't matter ten years down the road anyway. I will live for today, remember yesterday and be hopeful for tomorrow. And I will always love you.

I read a quote once that people are put in our lives for a reason. Some stay a long time, and others are gone far too quickly, but each and every one of them has a lesson to teach us and a gift to give (even when the experience with that person is negative, you can still learn something!). I think this applies to Tyler & Ethan completely. They were given to us for a reason, and even though our time together was short, that was all the time they needed to teach us a lifetime of lessons. Angels are amazing that way.

Thanks for reading,
Jen

Two Kept Quiet, but Not Forgotten

I've mentioned before that I had two losses besides Tyler & Ethan, but I don't ever talk about them much. I want to take time this new year to start acknowledging those two angels as well, because their story is just as important. I'll start from the beginning...

Brad and I got married in 2003 and joked that we were on the "5 year plan" for having kids. Somehow that got changed to the "after Jen turns 25 plan" though. After many failed pregnancy tests and almost a year after we started trying, we finally got a positive result in February 2007, right after my birthday. We were so excited to tell our families that we didn't even wait for a doctor's appointment to confirm. This would be the first grandchild on both sides of our family. I thought things were going fine the first few weeks. I felt sick occassionally (which later I figured out was from taking prenatal vitamins on an empty stomach), and I had gained a few extra pounds, so there was nothing to worry about. Until I started spotting one night. I went into the ER and they did an ultrasound. There was no heartbeat, but they said my dates could be off and maybe the baby just hadn't developed a heartbeat yet. They could see what they called two "masses" on the ultrasound, which could either be an embryo that was starting to break apart (miscarriage) or two separate embryos (twins). They monitored my hormone levels for a week or two, did more ultrasounds, and ultimately determined that I was having a "missed abortion miscarriage." What an awful term. I felt like this was somehow my fault, especially when you throw the word abortion into the description. My body wasn't smart enough to expel the baby that had perished, so I had to go into the hospital for a procedure to have it removed. It was one of the most sterile, insensitive experiences of my life. They never acknowledged that this was my baby. It was always referred to as "the products of conception". And no one offered me any condolences or support at the hospital; it was just another medical event in their daily routine. Even after I was released from the hospital, I was surprised at the lack of support I had. Even some friends didn't want to hear about what I had been through. I heard over and over again that this was just nature's way of taking care of things and that there must have been something wrong with the baby, so I should be relieved that the pregnancy ended early. Given all that, I felt like I was just being over-dramatic by being sad about this miscarriage. So I shoved it under the rug. Very few people ever knew about it, besides family and close friends.I just told everyone at work that I needed some minor surgery and would be taking a week off.  I never grieved for that baby.

Our next attempt was successful, as we were blessed with Addison in February 2008, and we thought that maybe that miscarried child was just a fluke and a run of bad luck that was behind us now. Not so much. When Addison was 2, we decided to try for another. We found out we were expecting in July 2010 and were very hesitant to tell anyone. We only told our parents and anyone that caught me drinking non-alcoholic beverages at camping trips and summer parties (busted!). Unfortunately, we went down the same road as our first. I remember the dating ultrasound. The tech was an older woman who had a student with her that day. She scanned me and said "What's going on here?". I said "What do you mean?" She replied (very accusingly) "Did you give me the right dates? There's nothing here but an empty sac." I don't know how I kept my composure or how I didn't beat her with her transvaginal ultrasound probe, but I piped right up and said "No, the dates are definitely correct. I know what's happening. It's another missed miscarriage. I've had one before." That shut her up. The only good that came out of that appointment was that perhaps she and her student learned a good lesson in empathy that day. I was doctoring in Madison this time, and the OB I was seeing made sure to treat me sensitively and helped me to get this taken care of faster than what I had experienced with my first. I had a procedure done within a week. Same treatment by the Madison surgical team though; very sterile. That awful term "missed abortion" popped up again. I knew to not be sad this time though, as I didn't want to freak people out. Private tears were the only ones that fell. There was no grieving. Until March 2011...

March 18, 2011 was when the Perinatologists discovered that I was in severe danger of losing Tyler & Ethan. They put me in a consult room alone to wait for Brad to get there from work so that we could talk about the situation together. They asked if I wanted the hospital chaplain to come sit with me, and I said yes. She held my hand and asked me to tell her my story. I told her about how much we wanted Tyler and Ethan, and that we thought we had been blessed with twins to make up for the two miscarriages we had suffered. She asked me if I had grieved for those two babies. I had to answer no. I explained my story and it was all too familiar to her. We talked about how even though those babies didn't have names or identities, they were still my babies and it was ok for me to grieve them. It would actually help me deal with what was going on with my twins, to get all that pent-up grief put to rest. I took her words to heart, and I made sure to grieve properly for Tyler & Ethan after we lost them. But I have still never truly grieved or acknowledged my two miscarried babies.

As part of my new year's resolution for 2013, I'm going to try and do better to remember and memorialize ALL of my angels, not just the ones most people felt it was ok for me to grieve for. Yes, miscarriage happens a lot and yes, it is often due to genetic abnormalities. However, those facts do not make that child any less yours. It's ok to be sad after a miscarriage. It's ok to have genetic testing done to determine the sex so that you can name them (I would have, but I didn't know that technology existed at the time), and it's ok to grieve for them, to memorialize them and to remember them. You're not crazy - you're a parent, no matter whether your baby was lost in a first, second or third trimester. In fact, grieving that child is healthy. If you have suffered a miscarriage, know that you're not alone but also that you have the right to grieve. Take the time you need and take care of yourself. Even if that loss happened years ago, it's never too late to get your grief out and put it to rest. 

Happy New Year, Baby Walker 1, Baby Walker 3, Tyler and Ethan.  You are guiding me more now than ever, and I am so grateful.

Thanks for reading!
Jen

'Tis the Season

First, an update on our Rainbow. I've had cervical length checks every two weeks for the last couple of months, and there have been no changes. This is great news. The docs say that this means we have less than a 1% chance of delivering preterm. I've also been getting progresterone shots religiously every week (thanks Megan for the help on weeks when I don't see the doctor!) and that will help prevent any preterm labor. So I'm feeling confident that we're on a good path here. Our angels are watching over this little girl, who we have decided to name Lexie Jean!

I try to keep all these positives in mind as we approach a very difficult time...Christmas, and the dreaded 24-week mark. I delivered Tyler & Ethan at 24 weeks, 5 days and I know I'm going to be very nervous as that gestational age approaches for Lexie. We'll hit that milestone on December 27, right after Christmas. Luckily they scheduled one more ultrasound for December 28 just to be safe! Not that the worry will completely stop there though - after that, I'll be waiting for 28 weeks, then 32, then 36 since now I know how "good" a baby's chances are at each of these gestational ages...and they improve significantly as time goes on of course. But for now, I'm just praying to get through 24 weeks, 5 days from a physical and emotional standpoint.

Then there's Christmas, stuck right in the middle of all this. This will be our second Christmas without the boys. We have our "Tyler & Ethan Tree" decorated, I made a wreath for the cemetery and placed it a couple weeks ago and we've made our Toys for Tots donation of items the boys would have been playing with right now. Doing these things in their memory is a big help to my soul, at Christmas and throughout the rest of the year. I feel close to them when I do these things; like they're walking right beside me. And that feels amazing.

And speaking of angels walking beside us, I also saw a medium last month. It was a public show, but I was picked for a mini reading. She was kind of off on a few things, but one thing she told me that was right on was this: She said I feel the closest to the boys when I'm in the car, by myself. And that I sing to them when I'm driving too (which is correct!)...and that they want me to know that they like it when I sing to them. This is cool because just that morning I was singing a song that reminded me of Tyler & Ethan, and I thought to myself "I wonder if the boys like it when I sing to them, because their sister sure doesn't! Hopefully at least one of my kids doesn't mind my singing..." and then I didn't think about it the rest of the day until the medium brought it up. A-MAZ-ING. I've always believed that my boys were right beside me, but this was just the confirmation that I needed.

So to those of you who are missing someone in Heaven this Christmas season, take comfort in the fact that they're not really that far away. I am more confident than ever that our loved ones walk beside us, hear us, and in their own way sometimes even speak to us through signs, etc. So when you've got a quiet moment (in the car alone, if you're anything like me!), think of them and all you're feeling for them...they can hear you. And know that they're listening and loving you every minute.

Wishing you a peaceful holiday season!
Jen

Sunshine, Angels & Rainbows

Well, I'm back after a long summer hiatus from blogging, and I have big news.The title of this post is Sunshine, Angels & Rainbows, and I'll tell you why. In the loss community, we call our babies that were born before a loss "sunshine babies." That would be Addison...she has been the sunshine on my darkest days and has reminded me of all the things that are good in life. Tyler & Ethan are obviously my angels...they shine down on us every day and have taught me so much about what's really important. Rainbow babies are babies born after a loss; we call them rainbows because they come in the wake of a terrible storm that our souls have weathered and bring us something beautiful. We are excited to announce that we are expecting our rainbow baby in April.

We feel incredibly blessed to be expecting again. I honestly didn't know if it would happen for us, given our history of miscarriages and loss. Someone is watching over us. ;-) At the same time, I'm also incredibly nervous though. We're seeing the high risk specialists, and they're setting me up with weekly progesterone shots and frequent cervical monitoring. If they detect any changes, then I will become a candidate for a rescue cerclage (sewing shut of the cervix). My doctors are very optimistic that I'll have no problems with this pregnancy, since it is a singleton.

Having a game plan and the doctor's confidence makes me feel good about things...cautiously optimistic, we'll say. But there's something else that I fall back on to settle my nerves...I don't have that feeling of foreboding that I had with the boys. When I was pregnant with Tyler & Ethan, I always had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was wrong. All my fears were always quashed by the doc and her staff, but I was still hesitant. Hesitant to buy any clothes. Hesitant to order wallpaper border. Hesitant to even clean out the nursery, even though all the books said to do so early on in case you got put on bedrest. I don't have that bad feeling this time around. I'm not afraid to tell people about this baby, and I actually bought two neutral colored sleepers already! Plus, I know I have a team of angels watching over this baby. Tyler and Ethan for sure, and a very special friend as well. My friend & neighbor Monica passed away on August 6, 2011 from cancer. On August 6, 2012 I found out I am pregnant. The baby's due date is April 13, which is Monica's birthday. I'm taking this as a sign that she's watching over this baby and that everything is going to be ok. So very thankful for all the angels that walk with us every day!

In closing, even though we are standing in the aftermath of the storm, anticipating a beautiful rainbow, it doesn't mean that the storm never happened. This baby will bring us so much joy, but we will still carry the boys in our hearts and miss them every day. We will continue to honor and remember Tyler and Ethan forever and look forward to sharing them with their little brother or sister.

Please say a prayer that we are able to take home a healthy rainbow baby in April!

Thanks for reading!
Jen

Book Report: The Shack

One of the things I've struggled with since Tyler & Ethan's deaths is how God could have let this happen. I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of prayers we received while I was on bedrest; why didn't God answer all those prayers? It baffled me why someone who loves me and my family so much would subject us to such hurt. So I couldn't help but wonder...does he love me? Or was I in need of being taught a lesson? And if so, how awful that my children were lost because I messed up with God. Then, I read The Shack by William P. Young.

My friend Missy told me that her dad read this book in like two days becaues he was so into it. All either one of us knew about it was what we read in the book reviews online. So of course, the fact that the book dealt with a parent losing a child and talking to God about it intrigued me. I'll give you a summary of what I took away from the book and I'll try REALLY HARD not to spoil it for those of you who want to read it yourself! :)

First, you must know that the book is based on a true story. A man takes his children camping while his wife is out of town, and his 5 year old daughter gets kidnapped and eventually murdered. Her body is never found. I have to say, I almost didn't read more than the first two chapters because I have a 4 year old daughter and we camp...I spent the first couple nights bawling at the thought, but I pressed on. Anyway... the man lives with what he calls "The Great Sadness", and his wife and remaining children are also grieving. The man cannot fathom why God wouldn't have saved his daughter (whose name is also Missy). Then one day he gets a note in the mailbox that says something to the effect of "I'll be at the shack this weekend and I hope you'll join me. Love, Papa." Papa is how the man's wife refers to God. The man is intrigued and goes to the shack, which is where authorities had determined was Missy's murder scene. He ends up spending the weekend with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit and learns a lot. Here are some of my big take-aways from the story of that weekend trip:

- God loves us like we love our own children. Mac (Missy's father) is told that two of his remaining kids will go to Heaven and the other two will go to Hell and that he must choose who goes where. Mac is frantic; he loves his children and doesn't want to see any of them in Hell. He is asked "well one of them must disappoint you or make you angry. Send that one." Mac says that even when his children are in trouble, he loves them and would never want to see them hurt. Once he gets that through his head, he realizes that he's being taught a lesson (and doesn't actualy have to send his kids to hell, in case you were wondering!). We don't want to see our children suffer, and neither does God. It broke his heart just as much to see Missy die as it did her father's, and I can now see that it must have hurt him to see Tyler & Ethan pass as well.

- God loves us so much that he gave us our independence, like a parent sending his child off to college. However, by giving us our independence, part of the deal is that he cannot intervene. There are bad things in this world, and  in the book, God comes out and says that he/she cannot intervene. But what he/she can do is to be there for us in our time of need. I'm still conceptualizing this one, but it has given me some comfort. I know now that I'm not being punished and that Tyler & Ethan's death was not brought on by my own character or lessons I needed to learn. It was a bad thing that happened, and God didn't want to see it happen any more than I did.

- Forgiveness doesn't mean that you are saying what was done is ok; it means that you are freeing yourself frm the burden of dwelling on the wrong-doing. Revenge, resentment and hatred do not hurt the person who offended you; they only hurt YOU. Mac is asked to forgive his daughter's killer, and he doesn't think he can do it because he is so angry and what that person did was so wrong. God explains that forgiveness doesn't mean you condone the actions; just that you can live your life without that hatred in your heart.

It ends REALLY good too, but I won't spoil it. I'll just say that by the end of the book, you'll be pretty convinced that this guy wasn't a whack job or having delusions and that it really is a true story.

I highly recommend this book, especially if you are dealing with the death of a child or someone close to you and are harboring some resentment towards God. I got a lot of perspective from reading this book, and I feel like I've taken another step forward in this journey.

So what's up with me this month? Well, let's see...the flood of pregnant friends and new babies is still continuing all around me. Feeling pretty overwhelmed lately. I'm happy for each and every one of them, but every time I hear someone announce their pregnancy, my heart aches for what I've lost and my chest tightens at the though of what's still to be (or not to be) for us. The future upsets me as much as the past, because we've been given the medical ok to try again. I worry that I'll have another miscarriage or another complicated pregnancy and I get mad that I can't just pop out healthy babies like most of my friends do. I seriously might tackle someone one of these days (not a pregnant woman though of course)! So I do my best to stay positive and take it one day at a time. What's meant to be will always find a way, right?

Thanks for reading!
Jen

Big Girl Pants

So first and foremost, I will admit that I am a total bonehead. Flying was totally fine and I lived to tell about it. I totally over-reacted. Did I like flying? Absolutely not. Would I do it again? Yes, but only with the proper medication/intoxication. : )

Anyway...big girl pants. There is a saying I was introduced to several years ago by a friend & former co-worker (miss you, Jenn R - it's been too long!). She used to tell me to "put your big girl pants on and deal with it." This became a favorite joke between several of us at work, and we even bought matching t-shirts that sported the phrase. Those of you who go to my exercise class have probably seen mine! She would use this phrase whenever something came up that I thought I was too young, inexperienced or not strong enough to handle on my own. Truth of the matter is, it wasn't that I couldn't handle it; it was that I thought I couldn't. I didn't have confidence in myself or my abilities. When I stepped up to the plate and "put my big girl pants on", I generally dealt with whatever it was and came out fine. I just needed a little push and the strength to believe in myself. Whenever I put that shirt on, I remember that I'm only as strong and as confident as I push myself to be.

I still can't believe the events of my life the past two years. I've done so many things that I would have said ten years ago "I can't do it", "I couldn't survive it" or "I would lay down and die first." But I put my big girl pants on and dealt with it. And lived to tell about it.

Tonight I registered Addison for 4K. She was so excited to meet her teacher and play with the other kids while I filled out some forms. There was a spot on one form to list "other siblings" and another that asked "Is there anything else I should know about your child?" I stared at that page for a long time, wondering if I should tell the teacher about Tyler & Ethan, since Addison talks about them a lot. A year ago, I would have left them blank, too afraid to talk about the brothers I never brought home to her and too afraid of the questions that would undoubtedly follow. But today, I put those BGP's on again, and wrote "none living*" in the "other sibilings" blank, and the following asterisked comment in the "anything else we should know?" blank:
"We lost our twin sons in April 2011 due to pregnancy complications. Addison talks about her brothers, Tyler and Ethan, often and we encourage her to be open about this."

This was a big step for me today. I've been fighting this fear of sharing Tyler & Ethan's existance with people I don't know well, and today, I felt like I finally made progress. I feel like I can handle the questions, educate people further, and continue to break the silence around infant loss. Tyler & Ethan are not my "dead babies" that no one should talk about. They are my sons and my angels, and I will not pretend they didn't exist, even if I don't know you well. Go, BGP's, Go!!!

Thanks for reading!
Jen "Feelin' Sassy" Walker
:-)

Time for Me to Fly

If you know me well, you know I'm terrified of airplanes. I've avoided flying at all costs my entire life (thank you to my bosses over the years for understanding!). But this week, I'm boarding my very first airplane for a trip to Vegas. My husband booked the tickets as a surprise with 7 of our good friends, and so I am committed. But I am terrified.

If you're not afraid of flying, you're probably saying "what's the big deal?" Well, it's time to step into the head of a crazy person because I'm going to rationalize it for you. For me, I think it's a trust issue. How can I trust the pilot, a total stranger, to take me tens of thousands of feet in the air and land me safely across the country? How can I trust all the people checking the plane over to not miss a fatal flaw? I can't, even though most rational people have no problem with this. Next some people will say "God has a plan; when your time's up, your time's up, no matter where you are." But the problem is, it's not dying itself that has me so terrified anymore. I have two beautiful little boys waiting for me in Heaven, and that has changed my outlook on death significantly over the last year. However, I have one beautiful little girl here on earth who needs me, and I can't bear the thought of her having to go through life without her parents. It brings tears to my eyes just to type the words. I know grief all too well, and I don't want her to experience any more grief than she has to.

When I say this, I also feel guilty though. I feel like I'm favoring Addison over Tyler & Ethan because I want to stay with her more than I'm willing to be with the boys. It sounds terrible, but I just feel like she needs me more. This life is hard; she has so much to learn. And I truly believe that the "better place" Tyler & Ethan are in contains nothing I need to protect them from or teach them.

But back to this trip...I'm committed. There's no backing out. I have to learn to trust; trust the airline system, trust our family to take care of Addison, and trust God to make it all work out in the end. I pray that everything goes as smoothly as people keep telling me it will, but I still feel like in order to come to grips with getting on that plane, I need to be ok with the possibility that I could leave this world permanently. Morbid, I know, but that's where I'm at with this fear. To get myself into that state of mind, I've turned to God. I'm going to trust Him to make everything right, whether that means I make it back safely or not. I will trust Him to take care of Addison, Tyler & Ethan always. And I will trust Him to give me the courage I need to do this.

With that being said, it's time for me to fly. Pray for me. Seriously. :-)

Jen

A Year's Worth of Angel Love

If you had told me a year ago that there would again come a time when the happiness outweighs the sadness and the smiles outnumber the tears, I'm not sure I would have believed you. Even though meeting my boys one year ago today brought me such happiness, it was bittersweet and brief, because we said goodbye much too soon. It's been a long year filled with many emotions, but last night, I had a revelation.

I seriously think I know two dozen or more pregnant women right now. I'm incredibly happy for each and every one of them, but jealous at the same time. When I think about pregnancy and people having babies, I can't help but feel sorry for my family and wonder why we were robbed of Tyler & Ethan's love. So many things were taken from us; we'll never hear them coo, they will never give us a hug, and there will never be that first time they say I love you that completely melts your heart (at least not here on this earth). But last night, surrounded by so many wonderful people at our March for Babies pizza fundraiser, I realized that I haven't been robbed of these things. I've just had to learn to accept love in a different form; angel love.

Instead of the physical ways a baby on earth shows their love, we receive our angel babies' love in a different way. We see it in the signs they send us like a breezy day at the cemetery when our tears need drying. We hear it when the wind chimes blow at just the right time on a day that seems to have no wind to blow them. And we feel it in the kindness shown to us by friends, family and sometimes total strangers, just like we did last night. I was overwhelmed by the number of people that donated to and came to our pizza fundraiser last night. It was absolutely amazing to see people so willing to help a good cause and to remember our babies. I know Tyler & Ethan were smiling down on us last night and sending us their love through all of our friends and family. Thank you to all involved for your help and support!

Tyler & Ethan even sent us some angel birthday love today. We released six balloons in the backyard after lunch today. The strings were all tangled together from the wind and from being in the car. But soon after they took off, the strings separated, the balloons paired off, and they floated off to Heaven two by two. Just like the boys did. The two big mylar balloons (a sports balloon and a Spongebob balloon) hung around in the field behind our house for a bit as if they were telling us that they didn't really want to leave. They slowly made their way off though and we watched them until we couldn't see them anymore.

Happy 1st Birthday, Tyler & Ethan. I'm still adjusting to the long distance relationship we're going to have, but if you keep sending me those signs and your angel love, I know I'll get used to it. We will love you forever and miss you always. Someday we will all meet again. Until then, let's work on angel hugs, huh? There are still days when I could really use one. Love you both.

Thanks for reading!
Jen

"Smile, Open Your Eyes, Love and Go On"

It's funny how the little things, the ordinary things in life, creep up on you and knock the wind out of you sometimes. Addison and I were playing at the park today. I was pushing her on the swing when she said "Mommy, want me to push you?" And I said sure. So she proceeds to push me and twist my swing up so that I spin around. When I squeal she says "Mommy, it's ok. Don't be scared." And I think to myself what a great big sister she would be. Then my turn on the swing is done. I get off and notice the two baby swings next to the "big kid swings" we were playing on. They've always been there. Nothing new. Addison used to swing in them herself up until recently. But today I looked at those swings and realized that on this beautiful, abnormally warm March day, I should be here pushing three kids in swings, two of whom should be in those empty baby swings. I wanted to cry but didn't. I didn't dwell on it; I can't lose it at the park. I jumped right back into reality and chased her around and played Stinky Sock Monster (yeah, we're weird like that).

But now that she's in bed, I go back to that thought. It makes me so sad, especially this week knowing that one year ago was when it all fell apart. I want to scream and yell and throw my hands up sometimes because it's so unfair. It's unfair to us, and especially to my boys who will never get to experience all the things that their sister does. They are the ones I feel the saddest for. I know they're in a better place, but it's hard to accept that there is a better place than with their family. Someday I'll understand, but it won't be while I'm on this earth. I know I need to accept that.

So I go back to my mantra...try to celebrate their lives more than you mourn their loss. And I think about what they've taught us, once again. Today I thought about what Tyler & Ethan have taught Addison about life & death. She still struggles a little with the concept. She's been talking about death and dying a lot more lately, probably because we're talking about Tyler & Ethan in general a little more with their birthday and the pizza fundraiser coming up. She was still under the impression that all babies die. She even said to me one day that she had died when she was a baby. Talk about almost losing it. I had to very calmly explain to her again that no, not all babies die and that she had never died because she was still here. But she's her mother's daugher and likes to argue her point. So Saturday she hears me mention my uncle Gary who passed away years ago, before I was born. She asks me who Gary is and I tell her. She has a revelation at this point and says "So it's not just babies that die?!" And I say Yes! It seems to make sense to her now, but who knows...we'll take it one question at a time and try to help her understand this whole death thing. Just when you think you've explained it all, she'll always throw you a curve ball. Overall though, she has a very healthy outlook on death and realizes that even though it's a sad part of life, our lost loved ones are always with us. I think having this outlook will help her as she grows up.

So I'll leave you today with a great poem that my friend Melissa from Mikayla's Grace shared. I love this poem to pieces:

“You can shed tears that they are gone,
or you can smile because they lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that they'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all they've left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see them,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember only that they are gone,
or you can cherish their memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what they'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

As we get ready to celebrate Tyler & Ethan's first birthday (and golden birthday), I will keep these words close to my heart in the hopes that there can be as many smiles as there are tears on April 1.

Thanks for reading!
Jen

Ignorance is Bliss

A year ago this week, I was enjoying the last week of my blissfully ignorant life. I had just found out a week or two before that the twins were two boys. We had their names picked out. I even bought two little outfits for them. I was worried about what seems like trivial things now; mixing them up and discovering in 18 years that Ethan was Tyler and  Tyler was actually Ethan, and how on earth I was going to feed two babies at once. I lived in a world where nothing monumentally bad would ever happen to you if you were a good person. Sure, you'd have your struggles. I had had two miscarriages previously, so I knew life wasn't a bowl of cherries. But I got through them and I felt like these two boys were my "bonus" for the struggles I had with childrearing.

And then the world came crashing down. March 18, 2011 was the worst day of my life. I went in for a routine cervical check and was told that my babies were probably going to be born soon and that they would probably die. Immediately I knew that instead of planning a summer baptism, I would be planning a spring funeral. But I'm a good person! God wouldn't let me lose them! Sure, I miss church sometimes and I've committed my share of sins, but I don't deserve to lose my children, right? I tried to be hopeful and to get whatever medical help I could to save them. But when God's will was carried out, I didn't get the answer I had hoped for. I felt like I had been totally ripped off, but that I must have deserved it. Maybe God saw that I was too selfish to care for these beautiful boys and that's why he took them from me; maybe he did this so that I could learn a lesson. If only I had been a better person, He wouldn't have had to take them from me! At least that's what I felt at the time...

Fast forward to today. Sometimes I hear the quote "losing a child is a life sentence." I hate that quote. Even though it's not intended to, that phrase makes me feel like the loss of your child is a punishment for something you did wrong. That is the furthest thing from the truth. I am not to blame. I am still a good person. And all of the amazing women and men I've met in this journey through bereavement are good people too. They have taught me that bad things happen to good people, even the best of people. And that has been a key to helping me get through this.

Perhaps the biggest lesson I've learned in the last year from Tyler & Ethan is just that; bad things are going to happen. Monumentally bad things sometimes. And you have to learn from them, pick yourself up when you're ready, and spread the gift of your lessons learned. The alternative is to lay down and let the sadness permanently kill your spirit. My kids would not want me to live like that. They would want me to get up, dust myself off and go on, even if it means I go on with a broken heart. Life isn't going to be fair. It's not going to be perfect or the way you imagine it. But it is going to be worth it. (borrowed from a quote I saw online recently!)

I think the best way to honor Tyler & Ethan's memory is to live in a way that would make them proud. That's why I blog; to tell their story and raise awareness of what it's like to be a bereaved family. That's also why I participate in the March of Dimes March for Babies. Last year we raised over $3,000 in Tyler & Ethan's names and this year, our goal is $5,000. I want to make sure more families get to bring their babies home, and I do it in memory of my boys, who never got to come home. And here comes the plug...we are having a Pizza & Salad Buffet Fundraiser at Lucky's in Barneveld on Saturday, March 31 from 4pm-8pm. This is the night before Tyler & Ethan's birthday and it is also Brad's birthday. Think of it as a little birthday party for my three guys! 15% of all proceeds go to our March for Babies team. For more info, check out our Facebook page:
www.facebook.com/thewalkerboys

Do I miss the life I had a year ago? Definitely. Would I go back and change anything? Oddly enough, no; there was nothing I could have done. So even though ignorance was bliss, the lessons I've learned this past year will make me a better mom, wife, daughter, sister, and friend (no, Brad - being a better wife does not involve me doing the dishes more often). And I will thank my boys every day for that.

Thanks for reading!
Jen

It's all Relative...Siblings, that is

Today we celebrated my little brother's 27th birthday. He's my only sibling, so we're pretty close. I remember growing up how we'd fight like cats and dogs and refuse to apologize to each other when our parents broke it up, but how we always had each other's backs through it all. I still joke that he's more protective of me than my husband is! He was the first person I thought of when I needed a godfather for my firstborn and the first person I thought of when I needed a pallbearer for my 2nd & 3rd. He's been my protector and one of the most important people in my life for the last 27 years.

Sadly, I realized this weekend that my kids will never have the same relationship that my brother and I have shared. I feel like Addison already misses out on so much because she's our only child at home. She'll never have the chance to get hurt doing something stupid and to look up at one of her brothers and utter "get mom"...then look on thankfully to see him running full speed to get her help (i.e., riding a calf and of course falling off or perhaps trying to pry hamburger patties apart with a paring knife and ending up stabbing yourself in the meat of your thumb...yes, sadly that was me, and my brother always ran to get me help!).  Tyler & Ethan won't have a chance to struggle with Shakespeare and have their sister try to help them study by reciting a few sentences at a time and translating (true story!). They will never experience having a sibling the same way that I did.

But after I thought about it a while, I realized that I need to take my own advice. When Addison asks about the boys, I always tell her that even though their bodies are not with us at home, their spirits are with God and since God is everywhere, Tyler & Ethan are with us wherever we go. They can see us and hear us and will watch over us always. When I reminded myself of that, I realized that my kids will have a good relationship, just a different one than my brother and I have. Tyler & Ethan will protect Addison every day; maybe not by intimidating bullies or gross guys when she gets to be dating age, but they will protect her from the big stuff. And even though they won't have a dance at each other's weddings or text message each other on their birthdays, the boys will send her signs to let her know that they are walking with her every day of her life. They will love each other the same way they would if we were all together here on earth, and that is comforting.

Thanks for Reading!
Jen

Dear 2011: You Suck. Sincerely, Jen.

I put up a new calendar at work today, one that I received from a vendor with pretty landscape scenes and inspirational quotes. The January 2012 quote is "Character consists of what you do on the third and fourth tries." That said to me that anyone can try a couple of times, but your true character comes out on those third and fourth tries. It made me realize that I learned a lot about my character in 2011, even though to put it bluntly, 2011 sucked eggs.
Tyler & Ethan were our "fourth try". I guess the fact that we even had a "fourth try" says a lot right there - I am obviously not a quitter. But looking back in my life file, I have been a bit of a quitter in the past. I've always been one to give up on something and move on if I'm not good at it. I participated in one season of basketball and one season of volleyball when I was a kid...I wasn't a starter or even second string, so I moved on to cheerleading and forensics, which I acceled at, loved and stuck with for the long haul. But did I love them genuinely or did I love them because these things came easily and more naturally to me? I really can't answer that.

I'm obviously not very good at making babies...1 success out of 5 children is not a good statistic. So I think the reason I'm still hesitant to give it another try is that trying again and again and again is very contrary to my nature. Ordinarily, my intuition tells me that if I'm not good at something, I should move on and try something else. But maybe this is yet another life lesson that I'm supposed to learn. Maybe I've been a quitter for too long and this is another gift from Tyler & Ethan - teaching me not to give up, even when things are not easy or natural.

Needless to say, I've been thinking a lot about trying again as our one year waiting period will be up in April. For the longest time I couldn't imagine myself pregnant again, even though I've said on here in the past that I know I'll regret it if I don't try. Being pregnant again just didn't seem fathomable when I thought about it. It was like trying to imagine myself as a child again; something that I had lived through in the past, but that I would only be able to go back to in my dreams. So I asked God and Tyler & Ethan for some sort of sign to tell me what to do - should we really try again? Shortly after that, I started having dreams about being pregnant. Ok, very likely to be coincidental, given that my mind was already on the baby train...but now the last three days when I've gotten into the van to go somewhere, the song Stronger by Sara Evans is playing. It's a song about a break-up and the woman getting stronger every day, but it totally applies here as well. I think it's a reminder from the boys that I'm stronger than I ever was before and am getting better every day. If you have survived the death of a child, you can survive damn near anything.

So yes, 2011 sucked. I endured more pain and heartache than I ever imagined I could. But I survived. I didn't lay down and die; I lived to tell about it. And I'm learning from all that heartache every day. That is the important thing. Plus, being a mom to angels is a pretty big deal too.

Here's to a better 2012 for us all. I know there will be stumbling blocks, challenges and maybe more heartache, but I also know that I will survive it. And my heart will tell me when it's time to stop trying.

Thanks for reading,
Jen